Vile Kyle

Generally my view is that maternity leave would be a lot more enjoyable if I wasn't heavily pregnant.  Slow waddling (usually to the bathroom or kitchen) is pretty much the highlight of a day for me, and daytime TV has become a regular fixture in each day's schedule.  Yes, I was supposed to be using this time to write a novel.  Let's just say it's in progress.  If "in progress" means I haven't even thought about starting it.  Still, I expect I'll have lots and lots of time once the baby gets here.

Now, accidentally, I found myself watching an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show.  For international readers, or those who have day jobs, Jeremy Kyle is a bit like a British Jerry Springer - but a lot more unpleasant.  Rather than "take care of yourself, and each other", he actively harangues his guests, who are all from the lowest possible social strata, and most of them seem to have mild special needs.  And acne.

I'm currently watching an episode called "Stop trying to turn my sister into a prostitute", and last week's was, "I'm here to prove that I'm not sleeping with my partner's daughter".

Almost all of the guests have had a truly horrific upbringing - usually in and out of care, drugs or alcohol involved, very often a history of abuse.  And they've poured themselves into their best lycra chav suit for the day to come on the show.  They almost always have to do a lie-detector test, which seems to be the default way of settling arguments.

Jeremy Kyle himself acts as the middle-class voice of reason, shouting at the guests, "You disgust me!  You're lying!  People like you make me sick!"

There is genuinely a social class of people believing that "going on The Jeremy Kyle Show" is the best - nay - the only way of solving their problems.  There is a premium-rate phone number provided at the end of each episode so that you too can apply to be patronised by a prick for the nation's entertainment.

So, I'm trying to work out why I hate this show so much.  Partly it's a Roman Circus - throwing the stupids to the lions for the entertainment of other stupids.  Partly it's the vileness of Jeremy himself and the unfair match of intellects - it's a bit like watching a lawyer callously pick apart an argument between toddlers.

But when I'm really honest, I think it might be jealousy.  I think he might actually have the best job in the world - shouting at stupid people.  For money.  If only he also had a pointy stick he could poke them with, then I might actually go and apply to work on his show.