Braaaaiiins

Let's talk about the big ashy cloud of doom which is currently preventing UK flights and may continue to do so for a while to come. The big volcanic ashy blackness which is blighting our very skies as we speak. The thing is, the sky here today looks a little bit like this. No ash. No cloud. Definitely no ashy cloud. Weird, huh?

"Oh well," the experts say, "that's to be expected. The ashy doom is high, high above you. Far too high for you to see it."

But I can see the sun. And I'm guessing the ashy cloud is not higher than the sun. So I reject their hypothesis. There we go. It has been rejected.

So what's my theory? It's a conspiracy theory. I believe there's another reason all UK airports have been closed down. It's one of two things.

1. Heathrow estate agents. They can't shift any of the properties near the runways, so they've agreed a one-week amnesty in which they're going to try to flog as many of the properties as possible whilst there is no air-traffic noise.

2. (And this one's the more likely) Zombies. The UK has had a zombie outbreak, and rather than panic the population, the government has decided to seal the borders. The Eurostar doesn't count because let's face it, it breaks down more often than it goes.

So zombies it is. Luckily, TheBloke (TM) and I are almost certain to be OK, because a) we have not one but two tins of Tesco Value chopped tomatoes, and everyone knows you need tinned food in an emergency and b) we bought a hoe today in B&Q so are fully armed against a zombie invasion. Also c) we can eat Monty Cat if things get really bad. The little bastard just threw up on my new hosepipe, so I'm already considering it just out of spite.

Zombies. You heard it here first...