Take Two

I see they're making a remake of The Karate Kid. This disturbs me slightly. Not just because it encourages violence and parodying of "defence moves" amongst young boys, but because, let's face it, the original was a bit shit. It certainly didn't merit God knows how many sequels.

Cult classic maybe, but the only two things anyone can tell you with any surety is there was an old Asian guy called Mr Miyagi, and a scene where the boy had to wax a car. Call me obtuse, but that does not good cinema make.

More worrying still is that this paves the way for yet more shit remakes of originally shit films. Here are some ideas, updated with a "modern" twist.

1. Grease. The original taught us that if we wanted a boyfriend, we needed to dress slutty and start to smoke. The remake could involve Sandy deliberately getting pregnant to get a council house, and smoking a crack pipe.

2. My Girl. The original was a fairly sweet coming-of-age film about a girl whose best friend is allergic to bee stings and dies. (Sorry for the spoilers, but really, come on, the film's like twenty years old.) The remake involves the part where they become "blood brothers" by cutting their fingers and pressing them together, transmitting the HIV virus and being a modern cautionary tale.

3. Dirty Dancing. Would need to be dirtier. Much dirtier.

4. 10 Things I Hate About You. Today's audience has a shorter attention span and is unused to hearing harsh feedback: hence Six Things I Could Give You Constructive Criticism About

5. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Obviously would need to concentrate on the environmental and socially irresponsible way they alter history. Would need to include a bleak scene at the end where they realise they've inadvertently stood on a butterfly and destroyed the world as we know it. Ted cradles his dying father, who's final words are, "Why, Ted, why? It was only a school report..."