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Wednesday, July 11, 2012


So whilst I was off sick last week, as I slowly began to open my eyes again, like a newborn baby badger, I was able to focus on the TV for probably about 15 minutes at a time.

One of the shit daytime programmes I found myself half-watching was an American show called I didn't Know I was Pregnant.  I found this programme incredible.  Actually, genuinely incredible.  These women claim they had no idea they were pregnant until they went into labour (or as we're in the USA, "labor".)  I find this incredible because if I didn't know I was pregnant, I think I would honestly think I was dying.

Here are the symptoms I've had that I have translated into non-pregnant possible symptoms:

  • Excessive tiredness / floppiness = leukaemia
  • Random vomiting = stomach cancer
  • Enhanced sense of smell = brain tumour
  • Ever-worsening backache, spreading to different areas of my back = aggressive spine tumour
  • Acid reflux = that pesky stomach cancer back again
  • Squirty black poos from iron tablets = still that naughty stomach cancer
  • Piles = bowel cancer
  • Constipation = bowel cancer
  • Sore hips = early-onset arthritis
  • Dizziness / blocked ears / vomiting = brain tumour / stomach cancer
So basically I would assume I had but a few weeks to live.  These US rednecks (let's be honest, there's barely an IQ point between any of them on the show) are clearly made of tougher stuff than me.  "Gee, I thought it was bubbleguts", one of them drawled, before explaining that she thought the baby kicking her was a mild case of wind.  I got simultaneously punched in the bladder and kicked in the ribs earlier today.  Had I not known I was pregnant, I would have been convinced I'd picked up a South American parasite which was now the size of a large trout and eating my innards.

Then again, I could just be a hypochondriac.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Brown or Rainbow?