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Thursday, April 18, 2013

Post-traumatic stress

DO NOT get me started about the latest episode of Postman Pat.

Yes, I know I've already done one post entirely dedicated to our friend at the Royal Mail, but really he's taking the biscuit this time.

Some kindly soul at Greendale Station commissioned quite an expensive-looking stained glass window for the platform.  A "famous artist" duly produced something quite modern called "Study in Motion" or something similar.  Pat (and Ben, whom I'm going off big-time, I can tell you), clearly thought it was arty wank.

So, long story short, Pat takes the stained glass window to the station, where Ajay (the station master) and he try and fit it.  Hang on a second.  Hang on.  Pat is now trying to install a stained glass window?  Literally two days after the church bell fiasco?  Have you ever, ever ordered flatpack furniture and had the courier offer to put it together for you?  No.  Let alone a fucking WINDOW.  Leave it alone, Pat, it's NOT YOUR JOB.  Besides which, I always thought "Ajay" was pronounced "Ay-jay", but according to Pat, it's "Ad-jay".  I'm not sure, but I think this could be Pat's covert racism coming out.  "Oh, I can't pronounce your funny name, so I'm just going to say it the way that sounds right to me."

Anyway, someone's fucked up because the window doesn't fit and it's too heavy for Pat and Ajay to lift by themselves.  The right response from Pat at this time would be, "Fuck it, I've delivered your sodding window and I've done my job."  And he and Jess the cat would leave the window with Ajay, after making him sign on one of those ridiculous pads with the plastic pencil, and go home for a cup of tea and a wank.

But no, not meddling Pat.  He knows someone who knows someone.  In this case, it's poor Ted again, who is asked to cut the window to size.  Wait a minute.  Someone (not Pat) has paid an artist to produce this, and Pat has decided unilaterally to let the local odd-job man loose on it with a bolt-cutter.  Surprise, surprise, Ted fucks it up and cracks the window.  Not before - I hasten to add - Pat breaks out the helicopter again to try and install it - crack and all - into the platform window.

At this point, Pat - again on whose authority I don't know - decides that it would be nicer to use the local school's crappy picture of a village than the artist's commissioned piece.  Cockweasel.  Luckily, it happens to be exactly the right size!  What a coincidence! So Ted (who's a bit shit but I think Pat is secretly a bit in love with him) makes some special glass and puts up the children's collage instead of a window.

No-one mentions who paid for the window in the first place, or the artist's disappointment at having their Study in Motion replaced by some cock-twaddle from 10 year-olds entitled "Our Village".  Cunts.

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