Sick of travel

I have now lived in London for a long time. About nine years. And I have experienced many strange things on the tube in that time, which include, but are not limited to:

• A pigeon getting on at Gloucester Road tube station, and getting off again at South Kensington

• The announcement after a 15-minute wait on the Northern Line, "Ladies and gentlemen, I've finally spoken to the control room and apparently they didn't even know we were waiting." (Put your best sarcastic voice on), "Welcome to the Northern Line."

• A large number of people of indeterminate sex, which have provided me with endless internal games of "male or female?" Also, in a similar category, the favourite tube game of "fat or pregnant". Do you offer your seat to the preggos, or make the fatties stand as it's likely to be the most exercise they'll get that day.

I have also over the years, heard all the excuses for late-running trains, from the squishy, "person under a train" to the pathetic, "signal failure at North Greenwich". But today I think I heard my favourite.

On a train at Stratford this morning, an announcement came over the tannoy.

"Apologies for the delay, ladies and gentlemen. We are holding this train at the moment because of a suspected vomit in one of the carriages."

Suspected vomit? How hard is it to identify vomit? And what else could it possibly be? The mind boggles.