Delivering excellence

In my working life of ten years or so, I've had a variety of excellent managers and colleagues.  People who have mentored and supported me, people who have challenged and pushed me, people whom - a decade later - I'm still in touch with.  This mini-army of women and men have nurtured and shaped me.  I am grateful.

And then there was Cedric.  Now, don't get me wrong, amongst the talented bunch I just wrote about, there were of course a smattering of inepts and tossers.  But not like Cedric.  Cedric was special.  He made twattish behaviour an art form.  If there were BAFTAs for twattishness (TWAFTAs) then Cedric would have won his category every year.  ("And the winner in the Short Fat Twat category is...")

Going back several years, I had been in my new job for two weeks.  It was Cedric's first day.  Although he wasn't my line manager, clearly someone had forgotten to tell him this.  "Team!  Meeting room!  Now!", boomed Cedric's dulcit tones.

In we filed.  He already had PowerPoint up on the screen.  We took a seat.  What followed was hilarious; a 45-minute presentation called Who is Cedric Brown?  As the first slide came up, blank apart from the question "Who is Cedric Brown?", I already had my own answer prepared.  It consisted of the indefinite article and a four letter word rhyming with "shunt".

The rest of the 45-minute presentation consisted of Cedric outlining his career to date (estate agent, university, twat) and me alternatively stifling vomit and uncontrollable giggles.  It was at this point Cedric decided to outline his strategy for the year ahead.  He picked up a red marker pen and strode purposefully towards the flipchart.  Well, he tried to stride purposefully but he had fat little legs, so he looked more like a trotting Shetland pony.  Cedric turned his back on the group and wrote up his three priorities for the year ahead.  He turned back to face the group and what followed will stay with me forever.

"These are my three priorities for next year."  He pointed at priority one: "Deliver."  He then pointed at the next two priorities.  "Deliver.  Deliver."  He paused and looked round.  "Deliver, Deliver, Deliver."  Anyone who disagrees with me..." he paused again dramatically, walked over to the meeting room door and opened it.  "Anyone who disagrees with me can get out now.  Go on.  Get out.  Get out of my team."

No-one moved, though my shoulders were shaking from the unintentional David Brent impression.  "You're on my team, you're on my side, we're going to DELIVER, DELIVER, DELIVER!"  He paused, looked smugly around the room and said, "Any questions?"

I looked around.  I considered my ability to deliver.  Three times.  I raised my hand.  "Are we going to be working for the Royal Mail?"  The tension broke.  Everyone laughed.  Apart from Cedric.

And that was actually one of the more positive interactions I had with him within an 18-month period.  Which is why he's secured my vote in this year's TWAFTAs - for the lifetime achievement award.  I believe the prize is falling under a Jubilee Line train*.  Fingers crossed he wins.

* In case you think I'm being harsh, his hobbies listed on his presentation to us included kicking puppies, misogyny and morris dancing.  Probably.