For many years, I've wanted to write a book. Ever since I was a teenager, I've fancied myself as something of a writer... albeit I'm too lazy to actually follow through with any type of plot or long term endeavour. There's always an excuse - a busy day job, moving house, upcoming holiday, baby. There's always something.
I did naively hope that maternity leave would provide me with the space and time to undertake some sort of writing endeavour. In actuality, even the simplest blog post means I have to type like this.
Having said that though, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm sitting on a bestseller, without the need for all that sticky, tricky plot, character development and actual writing malarkey.
Baby books. This is definitely the way forward. Keen to foster in our child my love of literature, I went out and bought her the most highly recommended baby book for her age group. It's called Pets and has four and a half stars out of five on Amazon. It cost about £4.00, so a bit cheaper than most adult books, but still, if I sold several million of them at this price, I reckon I'd still do OK.
So, why do I think I could write one of these books? Well, here is every page of Pets. SPOILER ALERT!
So, in case you needed a recap, that was: front cover (mirror), Dog, Rabbit, Cat, the end. Seriously? Seriously? Even if you were using this book to teach animal noises, the author kind of throws you a curve ball there with Rabbit. What a load of old tosh.
And how easy to write yourself? So, here is my new children's book. It's called Pets 2 and is twice as long as the original.
Guinea Pig. Goldfish. Hamster. Gerbil. Pony. Mouse. (Insert crap drawings and a few spots and stripes).
Piece of piss. Can I get an advance please, Mr Publisher? I reckon we can sell it for at least £8 as it's so much longer than the original.