Madam Tamar was clever. She asked me where I wanted to go to uni. I said (and to this day, I'm not sure why) Leeds. Then, when Dad went in next, to have his fortune told, she told him I would go to uni in Leeds. Astonishing.
However, I had forgotten all about her other predictions, which I re-read yesterday. Firstly I would have two children (erm, do I get a say in this?) and also, Madam Tamar said, "You will marry, but not until you're 26."
OK. I'm 26. In fact, in fifteen days I shall be 27. Now, obviously Madam Tamar is always right (though she's not much good at UCAS stuff), so that means I have just over two weeks to find a husband. Please apply below. Obviously time is a factor here, so it would be helpful if you were in the country. Also please see checklist:
- Mustn't smoke.
- Must be male.
- Must be at least 5'9".
- Must be able to drive.
- Must be bright. Very bright. I have an IQ of 95, so if we're to stand a chance of producing two above-average kids, you'll need an IQ of at least 110.
- Must be willing to go to the theatre occasionally.
- Must not be football / any other sport obsessed. Occasional matches OK, but must not be prioritised above much more important things like new plays at the Donmar.
- Good sense of humour essential. You'll need it.
- Must not live with your parents. Or want to subconsciously.
- Must not be married to someone else.
- Must not go out to get drunk. Occasional social drinks are fine. When I say so.
- Must not have a tiny willy.
Good. I'm expecting loads of applications for the post (please use the comments below to register your application), because obviously I'm pretty much perfect. I'm hoping to announce a winner by this time next week. Don't all rush at once.
13 comments:
Funnily enough, I see Richard Herring is also advertising for a significant other with a GSOH and own teeth etc. Perhaps tis a sign ?
I'm not looking for a significant other, I'm looking for a husband. In a week. I don't think that's unreasonable. Mr Herring is welcome to apply through the usual channels, although I warn him now, competition will be tight.
Drug addicts and members of cults acceptable?
H xx
Well as you're looking for a husband, and he's looking for someone to procreate with and time is an issue for both of you I think a mutually beneficial agreement could be reached and seems too good an opportunity to miss. Happanstance, and all that.
Failing that I have a Bigsy who is looking for a laydee and has the whiff of desperation about him ?
Well, considering Richard Herring is by all accounts charming, extremely intelligent, pants-wettingly funny, and would be able to describe to you in intimate detail exactly what Julia Sawalha* looks like naked, surely there's no competition? He also wrote a book entitled 'Talking Cock', in which he is pictured on the inside cover with his flies undone and an extended tape measure in his hand. I mean, come on! (Alas, although an admirer of yours, my own appendage is small, white, rectangular, and has 'Tate and Lyle' stamped on it, so that rules me out.)
*BTW I think Julia's 'Who Do You Think You Are?' is on the day after your birthday, but don't quote me on that.
Erm... I don't remember "being able to describe what Julia Sawalha looks like naked" as being an absolutely necessary part of my criteria.
Though obviously, it is a bonus.
Cathy - what exactly does the whiff of desperation smell like? Just so I'll recognise him when we meet.
L x
D'oh - just got the sugar packet reference to a previous blog. Anonymous, you clearly know my own blog better than I do!
And thanks for the TV tip-off - have already set my Sky Plus...
L x
PS I don't think Mr Herring can be aware I'm looking for a husband. That can be the only reason I've not yet received his application.
A Bigsy is a splendid chap, fan of Chris De Burgh, most random and hilarious person the World has ever known, parts easily with his money and is not adverse to being bossed around.
He is dclore on livejournal, and the exploits of my attempts to find him a laydee are well documented by the 'Bigsy' tag on my own.
Failing offers from Richard Herring, I'd say he's your best bet.
Tch, if I wasn't already spoken for I'd volunteer. Mind you, I probably wouldn't make the grade on a couple of other issues as well...
:o)
David.
Hi
Prompted to reply to this thread perhaps making it more popular than the potato-related one?
There's not a single criterion on the list that I don't meet.
Although, saying that, I don't have a pet-dog.
iH (Not Richard)
Brilliant iH (Not Richard) - is that your full name? Because I'm thinking if we're to be married, in this circumstance I'll probably keep my maiden name, if it's all the same to you.
I don't remember a pet dog being on the list of criteria... Where has this nugget of information come from?
Looking forward to our impending nuptials.
L x
Irrelevant criterion as follows:
* Must not have a tiny willy *
(for more information on said obscure reference go to the Queen Victoria Public House, Albert Square and ask for the ghost of Ethel Skinner!)
i think that is a bit unfair about what you said about madam tamar... its not funny in the slightest, as she is very good and just coz u want to take the piss it doesn't mean the rest of us do, she is a sweet lady, and proved to me that she is good at what she does, and i wasnt even there for a reading! she told me 4 things that there is no way she could have known with out me saying a word about myself! So in future dont take the piss - AS YOU OFFEND PEOPLE! i hope u realise one day that its not nice when people are taking the piss out of what you do - a comedian who couldnt make a clown laugh on weed, getting laid! much love xxx
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