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Monday, August 05, 2013


Over the last ten months or so, I have become a sort of connoisseur (or connoisseuse if you must) of children's literature and television.  Well, CBeebies, anyway.  I may have given in to the magic glowing box, but fuck me if I'm letting her watch adverts pushing pink mermaids in bikinis and cupcake kitchens.  I think I'd genuinely rather she experimented with cannabis than owned a Barbie.

I digress.

So, over the last ten months I have made a study of the type of things represented in children's media, and have analysed this on a distribution curve against their actual appearance in real life*.

Things that appear in baby's books and TV far more than in real life:

  • Rainbows.  On an average year, I probably see two.  Children's television suggests that there's at least one every five minutes.  And it almost always causes chaos, with the little twonks trying to find the end of it - with predictably unhilarious consequences.  I'm looking at you, Mike the Knight.

  • All types of farm animals.  I have no idea why it's so important that children need to learn the different noises animals are supposed to make.  Looking at the preponderance of animals in children's books and TV, you would imagine that understanding what sheep are and what noise they make is one of the fundamental building blocks of humanity.

  • Justin Fletcher. 
     If he ever dies or pulls a Jimmy Saville, CBeebies will go bankrupt overnight.  This will mean nothing to non-parents.  Basically, Justin Fletcher, aka Mr Tumble, aka Tiny Tumble, aka Timmy, aka Gigglebiz, aka Justin's House is on every single children's television programme.  Originally he gave me the creeps, but I've warmed to him, simply because the baby will watch him with a delight normally reserved for when she gets a really good fistful of Monty Cat tail.  The amount Justin is on television must surely lead babies to believe that he is our leader.  I think we could actually do worse.

Things that appear in baby's books and TV far less than in real life:

  • Mortgages
  • Divorce
  • Cold-callers
  • Alcoholics
  • Council tax

Therefore, I'm spotting a gap in the market.  I'm off to CBeebies head office (which I'm sure is staffed entirely by Justin Fletchers) to pitch my new show.  It's a cartoon featuring an alcoholic sheep, played by Justin Fletcher (stick to what you know), who tries to keep up with his mortgage and council tax payments by working as a cold-caller.  The extra hours are having an impact on his marriage.

I think I'll call it Justin Fletcher the Alcoholic Sheep. I think it has a ring to it.

* Obviously I haven't actually done this.  Most days I don't have enough time to have a shower.


Anonymous said...

And another thing...that real postmen are nothing like Postman Pat. Perhaps this is just as well...?

Laura said...

Oh, I've already blogged about Postman Pat. Twice. The cunt.


L x