So, over the last ten months I have made a study of the type of things represented in children's media, and have analysed this on a distribution curve against their actual appearance in real life*.
Things that appear in baby's books and TV far more than in real life:
- Rainbows. On an average year, I probably see two. Children's television suggests that there's at least one every five minutes. And it almost always causes chaos, with the little twonks trying to find the end of it - with predictably unhilarious consequences. I'm looking at you, Mike the Knight.
- All types of farm animals. I have no idea why it's so important that children need to learn the different noises animals are supposed to make. Looking at the preponderance of animals in children's books and TV, you would imagine that understanding what sheep are and what noise they make is one of the fundamental building blocks of humanity.
- Justin Fletcher.
Things that appear in baby's books and TV far less than in real life:
- Council tax
Therefore, I'm spotting a gap in the market. I'm off to CBeebies head office (which I'm sure is staffed entirely by Justin Fletchers) to pitch my new show. It's a cartoon featuring an alcoholic sheep, played by Justin Fletcher (stick to what you know), who tries to keep up with his mortgage and council tax payments by working as a cold-caller. The extra hours are having an impact on his marriage.
I think I'll call it Justin Fletcher the Alcoholic Sheep. I think it has a ring to it.
* Obviously I haven't actually done this. Most days I don't have enough time to have a shower.