Newborn necessities

It's easy to be critical.  And also, I'm actually very naturally talented at it.  But - hand on heart - there are a few baby items that were worth their... well, not weight in gold, that would be ridiculous... but I'd definitely have swapped Monty Cat for them, if push came to shove.

So, here we go.  Stuff What We Found Dead Useful.

Buy one of these

A tumble dryer  Or a "tumbler dryer" as Mrs Nunn insists on calling them.  This one is non-negotiable.  I would say this is the single most useful thing we bought prior to the baby's arrival.  It arrived about a month before she did - previously we had survived with a combination of indoor airers, occasional garden drying, and running an indoor dehumidifier pretty much constantly.  It was fine, because there were only two of us, and TheBloke (TM) wears his pants and socks for at least a week before changing them.

Buy a lot of this.

I was sceptical about how much laundry a baby would create.  I mean, they can stay in their babygro pretty much indefinitely, surely?  And they're only drinking milk, so it's not like they're going to get beetroot down their front.  Well, that is all correct.  But tiny babies poo constantly, poo spitefully and poo bright yellow.  They also vom, and delight in weeing everywhere as soon as you take their nappy off.  They also do not restrict their pooing and vomming activity to their own clothes.  They like to share.  So you will run your washing machine at least once a day for the first three months.  Your energy bill will triple.

 In the first 16 weeks you will get through at least three bottles of Vanish stain remover.  Your hands will be cracked and chapped from rinsing poo in cold water, and then washing your hands in hot water, and then covering them in antibacterial gel.  You will begin to not bother changing the baby's outfit if the spot of poo is smaller than your little fingernail.  I know you don't think this is true right now, but it will be.  It will be.

A tumble dryer doesn't solve this problem, but it makes your house less depressing without dripping puddles of shit-stained laundry hanging from every surface, and a constant wailing in the background.  Sometimes it'll be the baby.  Sometimes it'll be you.


A one-month free Which? magazine trial  This one is actually worth doing a month or so before the baby is due.  We used it a lot to help us decide everything from which brand of tumble dryer to buy (Bosch) to which baby monitor is most highly recommended to what baby buggy would suit our needs best (don't be fooled - they all cost the price of a second hand car and are all fucking awful).  You can cancel it without obligation after a month.  We've actually kept it, and generally get our £10 monthly subscription's worth out of it.

Buy this.

A playmat  Something simple is fine.  We got ours for about £15 from Argos (TheBloke (TM)'s favourite shop).  Other friends had a range of all-singing, all-dancing playmats.  Basically, it comes down to the issue that you're leaving your baby lying on the floor whilst you go for a wee.  The fact that you're leaving the baby lying on something with primary colours and shiny bits just assuages your guilt slightly.  You are a terrible parent.  How dare you go to the toilet?  You'll only use it for a maximum of six months (as soon as they can roll, it's game over for the playmat), but it's nice whilst it lasts.

Buy one of these. Not the baby though.  That's ours.

A baby bath  We were lent one of these, and it was the absolute highlight of the day for all of us.  Not all babies like baths.  Ours did, and splashing Daddy was her (and my) favourite part of the day. It would stop her crying.  It would make her laugh.  It would make me laugh.  It would make TheBloke (TM) soggy.  It was a sad day when she grew out of it.  Even if your baby doesn't like baths, it will still need one occasionally, and easier to do it on something that can go on a tabletop rather than trying to bath them in the grown-up bath.


A mobile  The first few weeks were hell.  The worst thing was, she'd cry whenever I put her down.  Even if she was asleep and I was super careful, lying her down an atom at a time, her Spidey Sense would kick in, she'd wake up and immediately start bawling.  If I wasn't holding her and she wasn't asleep, she would be crying.  I even had to do a poo whilst holding her.  This was fine until I realised I needed to wipe.  Don't tell anyone, but at one point, I placed her in the bathroom sink, just to have a hand free.  Unsurprisingly, being placed into a cold enamel sink woke her up.  This mobile was a revelation.  It wasn't cheap, but she would watch it delightedly from about six weeks of age for at least twenty minutes.  Long enough for me to have a shower, or to have sex twice.  I guarantee at some point you will work out exactly how much you would be willing to pay for a nice long shower.  (You might also work out exactly how much you might be willing to be paid for sex.  This is probably a separate issue.) And I also guarantee it will be at least £50 (the shower, not the sex).

As the baby got more grabby at about four months, we had to lower the cot bed, as the mobile is
not designed for little fingers.  And unfortunately, once she learned to sit up, whilst she's still entertained by it, it's not really safe to leave her alone with it, in case she pulls off a part and puts it in her mouth.  The one we got though had a detachable music part, meaning we can still play the songs, even though the entertaining giraffe is consigned to a cupboard.

I might do more of these.  If they're useful.  Or if they're not.  Especially if they're not.  I like to Plog spitefully.