Eastenders

There are a few things I miss about living in Bethnal Green: the short journey into the city, a relatively modern flat that didn't seem to need as much maintenance as our 1930s' house does, proximity to restaurants, a nice big Sainsbury's. Nothing insurmountable.

There are many things I do not miss about living in Bethnal Green: the tramp who used to sleep in the communal entrance to our flat, the fact that my car was towed approximately every seven minutes and Tower Hamlets council who - given an appropriate budget and a venue - would still be utterly unable to organise a drinking session in a place that brewed beer.

And then there's stuff that was just always there. Like the Tower Hamlets' free local paper eastendlife (all one word, no capitals, clearly a tribute to e e cummings).

Luckily (or unluckily, I haven't decided yet), I have discovered I can pick up a free copy of said newspaper from the library next door to where I work. I say "newspaper" - to be fair, there is very rarely any actual news contained within. It's normally a couple of articles about a new school crossing (with a picture of appropriately grinning Asian kids and a token white child to reflect Tower Hamlet's diverse population.) and a call to old people to tell them they should join a social club. The three articles are then replicated in Urdu and Bengali so you get to see the same leering buffoons and dribbly oldsters several times over. As far as I am aware, it hasn't yet won any journalism prizes.

However, eastendlife has surpassed itself this week. The front page headline reads: "There's no excuse for domestic abuse". Excellent! A rhyme!

But then they take excellence to a new level with their subheading: "Don't suffer in silence, says victim of violence". Oh. My. God. A rhyming couplet about wife-beating. This is genius.
I understand exactly what they've done here and on an intellectual level, it's simply supreme.

As we all know from our studies of literature, the couplet is often used to denote (particularly in Shakespeare) the end or "rounding off" of an act. So by using the couplets as an expression of finishing, of finality, we are being encouraged to stop, to finish - if you like - violence. Very, very clever.

Additionally, it's a handy rhyme to remember. Picture the scene. You're a big, angry (or a little, angry) eastendman (all one word, no capitals). You have been stereotypically in the pub all day and then off to the dogs that night. Your dog lost. You are angrier than a wasp in a tumble drier. You come home and your wife starts nagging you because you've been having an affair with her sister. What a cow. She's clearly got it coming. She deserves it, and you know it. It's time to give her the slapping she expects.

But wait a second! What's this? There's a handy rhyme stuck in your head for such an occasion: "There's no excuse for domestic abuse". You remember it just in time. The wife remains unslapped and you don't have to go to prison (until a week later when you get done for that burglary and the guys inside beat you up because your slapping arm is out of practice).

Thank you eastendlife!