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Sunday, May 09, 2010

Wheely sexy

Ploggers, a few months ago, I Plogged about a worrying notice in my old neighbourhood of Bethnal Green. Those of you who are new to the Plog or have severe memory problems, may want to check here for information on a dominant ex-guardsman offering colonic therapy to ladies.

Well, as my regular Ploggers (or "stalkers" as I like to call them) will know, a few months ago we moved to the burbs. Well, that's not quite true. We thought we'd moved to the burbs - still fairly built up, a decent tube station on the Central Line but a bit more space. Turns out we actually moved to the middle of the forest and didn't realise until we'd already completed on the house. A fox sleeps on the top of our shed.

I have wandered off the topic. Basically, five minutes down the road is what is known as the technical demographic of "a bit posh". Each house has at least four cars (one of which is a bit crap and scruffy - like last year's Audi A3 - which is obviously the runaround for the cleaner or nanny). What I'm trying to say is we've moved up in the world. We is well posh, innit?

So I was a bit surprised yesterday. I went to Costcutter (OK, we're not that posh) for a few bits and pieces and saw the following advertisement in the window.

Hopefully you can see that and it's not too blurry. Basically Rosie (who doesn't even live in our neighbourhood, I would like to point out, from her postcode), is offering warm and womanly soft kisses and happy chat. She is also keen to let potential punters know that she is fully independent. Because no man gets turned off faster than when he knobs a prostitute who's part of a large corporation's franchising system.

Weird as that is, there's another part of this that disturbs me. The wheelchair access. Now, don't get me wrong, I am fully supportive of disabled rights (not to the point though where their toilets are labelled "differently abled", I mean really, fuck off) and if someone who's physically impaired chooses to shoot their wad in a prossie, far be it from me to tut disapprovingly. It's just... I'm assuming (perhaps wrongly) that this would be something of a niche market. Prostitution itself is fairly niche. Let's take a generous estimate and say 1 in 100 men visits a prostitute at some point in their life. Now let's estimate the percentage of wheelchair users. Now I live in London, so appreciate I may see fewer wheelchair users than actually represent the average (apparently tube station steps are a fucker when you're just pushed down them in a chair. And I definitely shouldn't do it again, or I'll definitely get the ASBO). But I'm guessing no more than 1 in 500 people is wheelchair bound.

I've just asked TheBloke (TM) to help me with the above probability, and he says, using the figures above (and assuming wheelchair users are no more likely to shag a prossie than their able-bodied counterparts), Rosie is aiming at a 1 in 50,000 chance.

Which seems a bit optimistic for a card placed in the window of a suburban Costcutter. She'd be better popping inside for the lottery and buying a Lucky Dip.

Which, ironically, is the name of her prossie franchise. (Not really, but it'd be great if it was, wouldn't it?)

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