Cat burglar

In some ways, Monty Cat has been a very good cat lately. Whilst he still wakes us up at 5 each morning, to play "Please Chase Me Out of the Bedroom", once chased, he seems to settle down.

A couple of days ago though, Monty Cat had a bit of an upset stomach. Nothing massively to worry about, and we just kept an eye on him for a couple of days. But then he became really lethargic, sleeping even more than usual, and even allowing me to cuddle up to him on the sofa. This was not normal Monty Cat behaviour.

Then, disaster struck. Monty Cat went off his food. This never happens. You can feed him three cats' worth of dinner, a dish of milk and he'll still pester you for meaty treats. Just last week he stole pineapple out of my Chinese takeaway, off my very plate, and scampered away with it. (When he realised it was pineapple he'd stolen, he looked at me disgustedly, as if to say, "What the fuck did you give me that for?")

So Monty Cat off his food was definitely a cause for concern. I mollied him. I coddled him. I tempted him with bits of beef and chicken and infinite saucers of milk. He really wasn't hungry. At dinner time, I mixed together his usual wet food with some of his usual dry food, and he did eat a little bit, but he picked all the dry food out. Again, this is not normal Monty Cat. A fussy cat he is not.

The same thing happened at breakfast this morning, but as he was at least eating his wet food, I didn't worry too much, thinking that the worst that had happened was he had, for whatever feline reason, gone off that particular brand of dry food.

Until two minutes ago. Two minutes ago I was in the utility room, putting away some shopping from earlier. Suddenly I saw movement. I jumped. Oh. It was only Monty Cat. Monty Cat with his head in the massive spare bag of dry cat food we keep in the utility room, carefully sealed with a clothes peg. The bag had a massive rip in the side of it, and hundreds of teeth and claw marks all down the side.

Sometimes I swear that cat just pretends to be stupid. No wonder the little fucker isn't hungry.