Yesterday I received, forwarded from my old address, a letter from the share company - Computershare - wanting me to update my email address. And rightly so, as the one they've got is an old work one, two companies out of date. I couldn't remember my login details as it's been so long since I've dared look at my shares. So I thought I'd call them.
I had to press the requisite 19 buttons before I could connect to an operator. The operator then took me through security, asking me my name, my middle name, my old address, my old staff ID (which astonishingly I still remembered), my National Insurance number and my favourite type of cheese (mature cheddar). That last one is a lie. But by the end of those questions, you could be damn sure I was who I said I was.
"Can I change my address please?" I said to the lady.
"You have to write in for that," she said to me.
"Really? I've just identified myself through your systems, do I really have to write?"
"You can do it online..." It felt weird hearing someone with such a strong Bristol accent say "online". I don't really think of that part of the world having electricity, let alone eBay.
"I can't remember my login details, and if you email me a reminder, it'll go to my old email address," I reasoned.
"Then you'll have to write in," she said
"That seems a bit archaic," I said. "Could I email with the change of address?"
"In many ways," she stalled, "it's quicker if you write in to us."
Now, I know the Cotswolds may not be at the forefront of computer technology, but I wasn't going to let that pass. "Sorry," I said, riled now, "how is it quicker if I write? If I write, I have to type a letter, print it out, fold it, put it in an envelope, put a stamp on the envelope and put it in the post. The Royal Mail then have to pick it up, transport it to Bristol and you have to open the letter. If I email it to you, you'll have it now. So how, exactly, is it quicker 'in many ways' if I write to you?"
"I'll just put you on hold while I check you can't email," she said. I am certain she used this opportunity to call me a bitch. I would have done in her position.
"You have to write in," she confirmed. So I did. Please see below.
***
Dear Sir or Madam
Change of Address
After speaking to your spectacularly unhelpful staff recently, I understand that despite passing through all your security measures to identify myself, I am unable to change my address over the telephone, or by email. Clearly “Computershare” is using Commodore 64s.
Whilst it may be true that my shares are probably worth slightly less than the stamp on the envelope, would you please change my address (Shareholder reference no: XXXXXX) to the address above.
Also my email address has changed to laura.nunn@gmail.com. Your unhelpful staff said I had to request a PIN to be able to change this email address, but I reckon you’re bright enough to sort it out yourself. Go on, have a go.
Yours faithfully
Laurasplog
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