Underground resistance

When the London Underground works, it's pretty damn good. Down you pop, down the stairs and onto a train, which, like something out of Alice in Wonderland, will pop you up in a new and surprising part of London, with practically no effort. It's almost magical.

When it doesn't work, however, it's cock-dribble of the highest cock-dribble order.

On Tuesday night, after work I wanted to come home. I did not think this was unreasonable. But noooo. Someone had lobbed themselves under a train at Kilburn (miles and miles and miles from where I work), and so I had to find an alternate route home.

No worries. I am a savvy Londoner, and jumped on the DLR to Bank. Except one stop before Bank, the announcer decided that it was a bit too busy at Bank Station and we were off to Tower Gateway instead. In case of confusion, that's Tower Gateway in the middle of fucking nowhere.

It took me an hour and a half to get home, and I was not a happy bunny.

Then on Wednesday, the same thing happened again. Some twat decided to make a meat pie of themselves at Waterloo. At rush hour.

So, if you're thinking of committing suicide by jumping under a tube, please consider the following:

1. Have a look at this. I might not care that much, but someone does.
2. There are less selfish ways of doing away with yourself. If you really want to make a statement that you hate the world and the world hates you, and you intend to punish them by inconveniencing them on their way home, this is good. It means you care enough about what other people think. So stop trying to kill yourself and go back to point one.
3. If on the other hand, you don't want to cause disruption to people, consider a different method of offing yourself that won't cause trauma and irritation to hundreds of thousands of people. But I'd still recommend point one first.
4. Only 40% of tube suicide attempts actually work. So if you think life sucks now, imagine how much more it will suck when you're still here, but now you have no arms or legs to scratch your itchy bollocks, or to jump off Archway bridge.

So those are my thoughts on the subject. I apologise if you're offended by them. But please, don't jump under a train. At least not whilst I'm commuting. (Please avoid the Central and Jubilee lines at the very least. Thanks.)

PS Please see my new exciting poll on the left-hand side of the screen. Vote, vote, vote!