This is Coalville.
I worked in Coalville for a year. It's a ex-mining town near Loughborough and is famous for - well, nothing. It is inhabited by Coalvillians. They're like chavs - but stranger. Each and every Coalvillian has something wrong with it. It's different in every case, but it's basically God's reject shop.
My favourite Coalvillians:
- The man who wanders round the town centre with his money in an old mug. Weirder still is that the shopkeepers seem to accept this as normal, barely raising an eyebrow when he rummages down his "World's Best Coalvillian" mug to get his coppers out. Admittedly a lot of the shopkeepers were born without eyebrows, which may go some way to explaining it.
- The woman who chases through the precinct after her son, shouting, "Connor! Connor! Get that condom off your head!"
- The woman at the jacket potato shop with the elephantine memory. Despite the fact I've not worked in Coalville for eight years, she still remembers I have a jacket with butter and cottage cheese. She still gets my change wrong, and the cottage cheese is - as always - rancid.
- The educational elite of Coalville - the boy who can spell "FUDGE" with his GCSE results.
Believe it or not, sometimes I miss the place. I fitted right in.
9 comments:
I never had favourite Coalvillians I have to say, although I did have a strange affection for their predelication to take all 4 generations of the family to Morrisons of a Saturday for a nice day out and a chance to swap Darrens with the neighbours.
The most memorable bunch of Coalvillians in the precint were the bunch of scary looking women who used to guard the fruit and veg shop... I was never sure whether they were guarding it from being stolen, or guarding it from the one rogue Darren who might want to better himself and live on something other than microwave ready meals... Either way they looked like they had a spiked baseball bat hidden in their skirts. And several knives. And a large doberman.
And a complete aside, I just had to share this gem of a story from one of my friends' lj:
"18 year old Elle is faced with making cup of tea for a man she rather likes. Scurrying into the kitchen she locates teabags belonging to someone else, puts hot water on top and briefly frets about how long one should leave the bag in. Remembering the old maxim 'until one finds a teaspoon to take it out with' she follows that advice. This takes some time. Now, what is missing? Oh yes, sugar and milk. There isn't any milk. Or sugar. To confess to the nice young man, or to be inventive? Elle selects option B. A rummage in all available storage areas produces dried milk powder. On making some up and adding it to tea, it doesn't look that nice (should there be bits rising and sinking like that?), and still needs some sweetening. Aha! vanilla ice cream - dairy AND sweet! 1 lump or 2? Settles for 1. Gives it a good stir. Presents it to man.
I still remember that expression. The English imperative to be polite, warring with astonishment and horror."
*chuckle* glad I'm not a tea drinker! :)
I remember that fruit and veg shop. Kath used to buy an apple from them for lunch each day,when she worked with me in the summer of 1999.
She used to sneakily take the stalk off the apple before taking it to the front of the shop to be weighed... This obviously helped save those student pennies. So we kind of got our own back.
She got past the guards on the door? I am impressed!
You have to admit though, those student pennies were important, for eventually they added up to more beer :)
Ever thought of working for the Coalville Tourist Board?
Do you think Dickens based Coketown (Hard Times)on it?
Even the college there changed its name to Stevenson College...
RSN
Ever thought of working for the Coalville Tourist Board?
Do you think Dickens based Coketown (Hard Times)on it?
Even the college there changed its name to Stevenson College...
RSN
Breaking Coalville News.
Today, our vertically challenged cleaner could not come and clean as she had been knocked out by a gypsy.
We await further developments.
vertically challenged cleaner who steals cats might i add and doesnt clean skirting boards
I think the town is horrible, it all needs to be regenerated and changed. A new town centre, rail station, cinema and plenty of other utilities need to be built. Change is needed, yes CHANGE.
Blacker than black. Darker than dark. A town called Coalville ...
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