Conversion conversation

Ploggers, I have returned!

So, for those of you who were wondering / running sweepstakes, neither of us was jilted at the altar (or in this case, game lodge), and I have returned to sunny Essex with a brand new husband.  I considered upgrading him in my Plog to TheHusband (TM), but I feel I've kind of already built a brand for him with TheBloke (TM), so let's leave it at that to avoid confusion.  I wouldn't want to disorientate you like when Marathon became Snickers or Opal Fruits became Starburst.

So, there are many stories to tell, and I shall start with the week before the wedding.  I have already regaled you with the tale of the racist beautician... gather close children, and I shall tell you my next tale.

One of the many things we had to do in the week before the wedding was to meet with the official who would be marrying us.  With both of us committed atheists, it was extremely important to us to have a civil service; neither of us wanted to make vows to something we didn't believe in.  TheBloke (TM)'s Very Helpful Sister Lorna (who basically organised the entire wedding) managed to sort someone out to officiate.  She did warn us he was a religious minister, but she'd briefed him that we wanted a civil ceremony.  He apparently said, "They're  not... atheists are they?"  She gently broke the news to him and apparently he was still OK to do the ceremony.

A few days before "I do", we had to go and see the minister, to sign the relevant paperwork and to discuss how we wanted the ceremony to run.  We were ushered into his study, where a large figurine of a man being tortured stood.  (I understand Christians enjoy artwork where their main man is being crucified.  And people who like puppies also like... pictures of puppies being kicked to death.)

"So," said Reverend Sillymoustache (please imagine your best ridiculous Afrikaans accent, complete with yappy dog in the background - presumably waiting to be kicked to death), "I have the paperwork you need to complete."

"Can we talk about the ceremony first?" I asked, conscious that if he was going to crowbar Jesus into the ceremony, we'd need to find another official - and with only two days to spare, I didn't want to spend valuable minister-finding time filling out duplicate paperwork.

"Oh, it won't take long," said Reverend Sillymoustache.  This would have been true, had Reverend Sillymoustache been of even near-normal intelligence levels.  Unfortunately, the next ten minutes consisted entirely of him saying, "Let me see, I have this... and this... and, yes, this..." (at which point he would put paper in a pile, painfully slowly).  "... But I do not have... oh wait, yes I have this," and so on, until my fingers dug fresh stigmata in my palms.

Finally, finally we finished the paperwork, and I asked about the wording of the ceremony he was planning to use.  He opened up a big book which looked like a Bible, but of course couldn't have been because we'd asked for a civil ceremony.

"Well," said Reverend Sillymoustache, "I am going to use the Methodist Bible."

TheBloke (TM) and I exchanged a look.  If I were to label the look, I'd put it somewhere between horror and hysteria.

"Right," I said.  "We really don't want any religious content, so I'm afraid that's not going to work for us."

"Let me just read it through for you," said Reverend Sillymoustache, and we can talk about it then."

"Well..."

He interrupted me.  "So... it will be 'Do you take TheBloke (TM) to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death us do part, according to God's holy law...'"

TheBloke (TM) interrupted, "Yeah, that's the bit we don't want.  The God bit."

Reverend Sillymoustache continued, "I really think it's better if I read through the whole service, so you can see it in context."

"No," I said and stood up, and went round to his side of the desk and looked at his Bible.  I pointed out all the bits we didn't want, whilst trying to be diplomatic.  I said, "I actually really like some of the poetry in the Bible, and I have no problem at all with the vows themselves.  If you were happy to, you could just leave off the 'God's holy law' part - but I totally understand if you think it's disrespectful to change the words of the Bible.  So if you'd prefer to use totally different vows, that's fine too."

To cut an extremely long story short, he eventually agreed to cut out the God part from the vows, after saying,  worryingly, "I will play with the wording and come up with something romantic for the day."  I suggested he ran it by TheBloke (TM) prior to the ceremony, as I'd be busy getting changed.

We'd finally hammered it home (so we thought) about wanting a religion-free ceremony.  At which point, the not-terribly-bright chap said, "So, which Bible readings would you like?  And have you had a thought about a sermon?"  We thought he was joking, but no.  So, we carefully explained (again) that yes, we were having two readings, but one of them was Shakespeare, and the other was Toni Morrison, and we didn't want a sermon at all.  No God.  Thank you.

He looked worried, as if something important had just occurred to him.  "So, are you saying I mustn't start the ceremony with a prayer then?"

"That's right."

"But don't you have friends coming who are religious?"

"A couple of mine are," said TheBloke (TM), "but the point is the wedding day should be about what we want."

"Hmm," said Reverend Sillymoustache.  Another worried thought crossed his mind.  "I have just thought now," he said.  "Must I come casual?"

I had no idea what he meant.  "Well, smart casual will be fine," I said.  "Probably not jeans and trainers, but no need to wear a suit."

"No," said Reverend Sillymoustache.  "I mean, must I wear my dog collar and cassock?"

For Fuck's Sake.

Tomorrow: an existential argument with Reverend Sillymoustache over what a civil ceremony might actually be.  Stay tuned!