Fudging the answer

So, we had agreed on a God-free ceremony.  We had told him eight or nine times that we wanted a civil ceremony.

"Yes, yes," Reverend Sillymoustache agreed.  "I learned about all this when I did my exams.  We learned all sorts of strange things like civil ceremonies, and Lobola."

TheBloke (TM) rolled his eyes.  I had no idea what a Lobola is.

Reverend Sillymoustache was keen to fill me in, "It's a bit like a civil ceremony except your fiancé must agree how much to pay your father for you."  (For dedicated enthusaists, more information can be found here.)

"Yes, yes, our wedding is very much like that.  Except I'm not being bought by a man."

The irony was lost on Reverend Sillymoustache.

I continued, "Can I ask - out of interest - whether you've actually conducted a civil ceremony previously?"

"Oh yes," said Reverend Sillymoustache.  "Just six months ago I married a Methodist to a Baptist."

Oh dear imaginary God.

The Reverend Sillymoustache continued, "Can I ask you a personal question; what do you believe?"

Before TheBloke (TM) replied, I butted in, trying to keep my tone light, "If we get into this discussion, are you going to refuse to marry us?"

"No, no", reassured Reverend Sillymoustache.  "I'm just interested.  I have never met an atheist before."

"Well," I said, "I believe that people are generally good, that the time we have here is all we're going to get, and so we should all make the most of it."

"So you don't believe in the reunion of family after you're dead?"

"No," I said.  "In fact, if you remarried after your partner has passed away, wouldn't it all be a bit awkward when you met up in heaven?"

He ignored my question.  "So where do you believe we came from?"

TheBloke (TM) said, "Well, we believe in evolution."

The Reverend Sillymoustache looked shocked.  "What, like Darwin?"

"Yes."

"How do you know right from wrong?" he asked.  "God's voice tells us this.  "So," said the Reverend, "let me ask you this.  When you see a vettie, sorry Laura, that is Afrikaans for a fat person..."

(No shit, Sherlock, it's pronounced "fattie".)

"... When you see a big vettie walking down the street, and you klap them round the head and shout 'hey vettie', what makes you feel bad about that?"

"Erm," I said, "I tend not to hit fat people in the street.  Is the only reason you don't kick puppies in the street the fear of punishment, or because you know right from wrong?"

"OK, OK, let me run this by you.  This is an example I use with the youth group, so hopefully it will be simple enough for you to grasp.  When you walk into a shop and see some lovely chocolate fudge, and you think, 'Mmm, I would love some chocolate fudge,' what makes you feel bad about stealing that fudge?"

"Well," said TheBloke (TM), "we wouldn't steal the fudge.  It's our upbringing, our parents, our friends, our school; we grow up and form our ethics."

"Yes," I added.  "Also, it's not worth the risk.  We're lucky that we could both afford 10 Rand for some fudge if we really wanted some.  And if we couldn't, we wouldn't take it."

"Yes," agreed Reverend Sillymoustache.  "And that's God's voice.  I am happy to marry you, but you do know that marriage was created by God, and you're missing out on God's blessing."

"We're OK with that."

I'd like to think he prayed for us that night.  After hitting fat people in the street, and stealing fudge, like every good Reverend does.