Cat food

The vet told me that Monty Cat was overweight, and we should put him on a bit of a diet. I did.

Monty Cat then put on even more weight. Then I realised that we'd been measuring his dried food wrongly and giving him twice as much as he should have had. We corrected this.

We weighed Monty Cat. He is 4.2kg - the best part of a stone. I can barely lift him.

In the last six months I have also put on the best part of a stone.

TheBloke (TM), always sensitive, said to me, "Do you realise you've put on more weight than an entire Monty Cat in the last year?"

Fucker.