Home is where the cat is

Four years ago when I bought my flat in Bethnal Green I vowed I would never never move house again. The endless boxes of crap - most of which didn't seem to neatly fit somewhere - were practically bottomless. To this day I have a drawer in my kitchen which contains:

- about 60 spools of coloured thread (I haven't ever tried to mend any item of clothing and have no idea where they came from)

- two pencil cases from my school days, stuffed to overflowing with protractors, long dried-up glue pens and highlighters

- a 2005 Yellow Pages

- a hot water bottle

Moving itself is a chore, lugging boxes up countless flights of stairs, and that's before you identify all the furniture you need, have to enlist someone to put it together for you (before, of course, finding Part C is missing and having to send off to Argos to get it and re-enlist the furniture-putter-together at a later date).

Then, once your boxes are finally empty, and the place is looking vaguely habitable (though of course you've not yet worked out how to operate the heating, meaning it's either sub-tropical or slightly below Arctic temperatures), you then have to work out how to badger the council into giving you a parking space, register with a doctor and change all your bank statements.

It is, in short, hell. Which is why, four years ago, I solemnly vowed never to do it again.

Long story short, some of this week was spent house-hunting.

Every property we went to, we were shown around by the vendors - i.e. the people whose house it is. I never thought I'd say this, but I think I've found a use for estate agents. People are stupid.

1. Vendor One: "It's quite quiet round here. Like a retirement community. The kids in the flat above spit on my balcony sometimes, but that's about it."

2. TheBloke (TM) to Vendor Two: "It looks quite quiet around here. We've got a cat; would the road be safe for cats?"

Vendor Two: "Oh yes, we've had lots of cats. In fact, three of them are buried in this garden." (points to tiny patioed patch). Vendor's husband chips in at this point, "Four of 'em! Not three! Four dead cats. Have to bury them deep though. You don't want to be digging up dead cat when you're planting petunias." This appeared to be their only selling point.

3. Vendor Three: "It's actually a benefit not to have double glazing as it means it doesn't get too hot in the living room."

4. Vendor Four: actually didn't speak as he was too busy chain smoking. The wallpaper was yellow and after just five minutes in the house, my clothes reeked of smoke.

The hunt continues.