Ikea: The Cunt-clusion

Reader, I complained to Ikea. I detailed the fiasco with the out-of-date flyers, the slat-free bed and the Ikea-only sized bedframe. I relayed my experiences with their helpline (cut off - twice). I explained to them how the "contact us" link on their website didn't work. And finally, out of desperation, I found an email address for their CEO. Reader, complain I did. And this was the response I got.


Dear Laura

Thank you for your email.

I am sorry to hear about your bad experience with IKEA.

In regards to the bed slats they are sold separately which is indicated on the tags in store and also mentions this online.

The beds we sell are european sizes due to IKEA being Swedish hence you will need one of our mattresses to fit the bed.

I will feedback to the store regarding the pricelist but if you went to a member of staff they would of printed off a list with everything you require so no mistakes could be made.

In regards to returning the bedframe we have a 90 days returns policy and without the packaging you could incur a 30% reduction but the store will make that decision once they see the bed frame.

If you had delivery and decided you no longer want the bed then you would also incur a recharge as they would class this as change of mind.

If you still want to go ahead and have it collected then please reply with you full address, convenient contact number and the ST,RG, TR and the date and article number on the receipt.

Kind regards

Lee

They "would of", would they, Lee? Lee, whom I am guessing, is NOT the CEO of Ikea. So I am supposed to telepathically know that the information you're handing out in store is guff, and really I should be queueing to speak to your gormless colleagues? Additionally, if anyone knows what the ST,RG and TR are, I'd be delighted to know. I'm going for Stupid Tossers, Right Gits and Total Rejects.

OK, let's do the math, as they say in the States. I liked the idea of doing math rather than maths. Sounded like there was less of it for a start.

So, the Ikea bedframe cost £47. The slats cost £20. The non-refundable delivery cost £35. Total cost = £102.

They are suggesting I can have it collected (an additional £35), and then I would forfeit 30% of the product costs (£20.10). This would mean a total refund of £11.90. Genius.

In short, Ikea are a large bunch of illiterate, muddy gits, incapable of working a telephone, a pricelist or knowing the difference between "would have" and "would of". And also, if you want to buy a bed, there's a never-used one for sale on Ebay.