Nonsense Noel: Part III

And finally, the one you've all been waiting for - number one on the ridiculous carols list...

Away in a Manger!

"But Laura," you might say. "I can see your point with some of the other carols you've picked out. There are some odd lyrics there. But Away in a Manger at least kind of makes sense." Does it? I ask you. Does it?

Away in a manger,

Away where exactly? I think "In a manger" would have sufficed entirely. Except it doesn't scan so well.

No crib for His bed
The little Lord Jesus
Laid down His sweet head

We're talking about a - what - two-hour old baby here? Little Lord Jesus, at the grand old age of two hours, had the autonomy to lay down his own head? Unlikely. Babies can rarely support their own necks until at least a month old. But again, "The Little Lord Jesus was burped, spewed a bit and was eventually settled down by his postnatally-depressed mother, before cacking himself all over the hay" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

The stars in the bright sky
Looked down where He lay
The little Lord Jesus
Asleep on the hay

Brilliant. We need more anthropomorphic stars, that's what I say.

The cattle are lowing
The Baby awakes
But little Lord Jesus
No crying He makes

Now, I'm no midwife, but I think it's a bit dangerous if the kid won't cry. In fact, I'm fairly certain it's a sign that there's something wrong with their breathing. Try slapping him on the arse and see if that helps.

I love Thee, Lord Jesus
Look down from the sky
And stay by my bedside,
'Til morning is nigh.

Ooh, weird. Who is the sudden "I" who has crept into this? This freaks me out a bit, because assuming the "I" is the person singing the song, they appear to have delusions of grandeur ("Yeah, Jesus, come and visit ME, I'm dead important. Not important enough to stay awake whilst you visit me though, obviously. Just sit by my bed until I wake up, K?"), but they also expect the invention of a time machine to be imminent.

Be near me, Lord Jesus,
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray

"Stalk me, Jesus!"

Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And take us to heaven
To live with Thee there

"Kill all the children and we can all be together for ever and ever and ever..."

I genuinely cannot believe they make children sing this sinister, sinister song, involving an inaccurate, if not traumatic birth with the child not breathing, and overtones of stalking and infanticide.

And on that note, Happy Christmas, Ploggers!