Annabelle is no longer a Facebook friend.
I can hear you gasp in shock and awe. "But Laura," you might say. "Where on earth are you going to find your comedy from now? What happened to make this person whom you don't like, and who quite clearly detests you no longer be imaginary friends on Facebook?"
Well, Ploggers, the issue came to my attention a few weeks ago when a mutual friend made me aware of another hysterical Annabelle update. Something along the lines of, "Taking my lovely Mummy to dinner at the Ritz. Hope the food and service is better this time - getting fed up with their standards slipping." or "Having trouble parking the Rolls. Always tricky when the boot is weighed down with gold bullion" or "Just had my fifteenth orgasm in five minutes. Can't help it when my boyfriend's cock is two feet long. So tired!"
Anyway, I trundled along to her Facebook page to have a gander for myself, and you know what? I couldn't see it. The privacy settings had been changed so (perhaps entirely fairly) I could no longer make fun of her ridiculous status updates. (Of which, as she quite rightly informed me at our high school reunion, I must be jealous. See http://laurasplog.blogspot.com/2008/06/orange-and-greene.html for more giggles). As a result of this meeting, I changed my Facebook page so she couldn't access my blog from there - she'd have to actively seek it out if she wanted to read tales about herself, which of course she did, amusingly later tagging a photo of herself at the reunion with the - frankly Wildean "Yes, I may be orange, but at least I'm not an ugly geek". Which as you can imagine made me cry until tears poured down my cheeks (with laughter, obviously, and then I forwarded it to all my friends).
So, no longer able to amuse myself with her brilliant status updates or slightly sick-making wall posts ("Young Conservative and proud!", "I love the Daily Mail") etc., I decided that it was time to terminate the friendship. Ploggers, I clicked "remove". However, as she has approximately 1000 other friends, most of whom I'm guessing haven't spoken to her more than once (or if they have, perhaps they enjoyed her status updates as much as I did), I don't think she'll particularly miss me.
I love Facebook status messages. It's a way of getting things so spectacularly wrong. Here are some of my favourite genres:
The passive-aggressive - Sarah is pissed off at a certain someone for reasons she won't go into here
The trying to be funny and failing - Jeremy just is
The "existential" - Jeremy isn't
The weird - Julia loves penguins on old lady toast
The twattish - Simon wishes his new baby would shut the fuck up, and wonders when he's next going to get a shag
The too-personal - Felicity can't wait to be in bed with her new man. (NB almost always followed with a passive-aggressive "Felicity thinks some people should know better than to lie and hurt you when you trust them.")
The badly-spelled - John cant w8 2 Friday!!1!!!1!
The Annabelle - Annabelle is making the most amazing curry with wild coriander and organic mince. Yum. Annabelle is having more fun than you could ever have in all of your sad little life.
So Ploggers, it's over to you. What's the best (worst) Facebook status message you've seen?
3 comments:
I'm from Ilkeston originally, so many of the Facebook Updates from people from my childhood fall into 'badly spelled' (due to the general illiteracy of the old Combat 18 HQ Town) and 'TMI/passive aggressive' (due to the assumption that one's sex life is the most fascinating thing in the world - which, due to the Small Town Gossip mentality, it is often treated as)
The general rule, though, is that physical unattractiveness of the poster and their partner is directly proportional to the frequency and graphicness of the TMI Posts, thus ensuring that the unsuspecting Facebook Friend will accidentally be given a gruesome mental image that will haunt their every waking and sleeping moment. I don't know - maybe the fugs on Facebook are so surprised that they sometimes have some sex in spite of their crippling hideousness that they feel it should be news.
The TMI people will usually be exactly the same as the Passive Aggressive people, leaving little hinting messages (usually suggesting that their ugly boyfriend has found another ugly person to have ugly sex with, or that maybe someone's asked them not to post absolutely every time they get laid), then followed by about 5 messages of 'o no wats happened hun?' or 'i no wat u mean there all barstads pease an luv xxx' with no respose from the poster, or just a message saying 'I'll PM you' (why not just PM them in the first place?)
Nothing quite as Passive Aggressive as 'So-And-So is now single', combined with So-And-So updating their Profile with a song quote about being a bit sad.
You forgot the category which puts ridiculous and pointless 'x's at the end of their statuses. Examples:
Good day all round :-) Really in the Christmas spirit now. Cheers Highgate! xx
wants to know when the shops are open - wardrobe revamp me thinks!! x x
is it acceptable to go to bed yet? x
'pop goes the weasel' x.
has a sore throat xxx
marks the spot. x.
(the last one may have been made up)
The new trend of "CUT AND PASTE THIS TO YOUR STATUS I love my mum/I lost someone to cancer/I know someone with ginger hair . . . 90% of people will not post this, will you be one the 7% that does?"
Recently had to hide a passive-aggressive friend from my feed . . . constant "men are bastards" updates as well as joining groups called "You're Not Sorry You Did It, You're Sorry You Got Caught" and "Real Men Know How To Treat Women" etc.
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