Hobby horse

I have been an absent Plogger. But I have been doing things. Things, and also stuff. Things, stuff and sometimes watchermacallits.

I acquired a new book this week. Well, actually I acquired about seven new books this week, but that's my own problem for being a paperback addict. It's like crack but cheaper and gets me fired less frequently.

Anyway, I digress. Sadly, my Grandma died recently, and I was sorting through some of her books with Mrs Nunn. Grandma was not the sort of person to throw something away lightly. This was the woman who, in 2001, presented my then-boyfriend with a Christmas present of the 1975 Socialist Women's Workers Desk Diary. We never did find out why. Her book collection ranged from an entire 400-page book solely dedicated to the subject of Pansies and Violets to a baffling tome entitled, How to Turn your Ex-Boyfriend into a Frog. One wonders (before forcing oneself to think of something else) how often Grandma had the need to turn an ex-boyfriend into an amphibian. Perhaps my ex got off lightly with his diary. Though admittedly I haven't heard from him recently...

You will be pleased to know I have rescued my favourite book from her collection; the mighty How To Make Animal Models. Not hugely hilarious in itself (though one does again wonder how often she sat at home thinking, "Hmm, well, I've done all my chores. I think I'll make an owl out of a bean bag. That would definitely be the best use of my time."). My favourite thing about this book is the list of other books in the series on the back cover. These include...

How to Make Flowery Things - delightfully non-specific. "Is it flowery?" "Yes." "Fuck it, put it in the book."

How to Make Jewellery from Junk - "Is that Tiffany?" "No, I made it from a milk bottle top and a sticky label from a loaf of bread. I'm wearing it to the office party next week."

(These get better)

How to Make Patterns from Thread - just how meaningless and boring would your life have to be before you sat and thought to yourself, "I genuinely can't think of anything better to do with my life at this moment in time than to make patterns with thread."? If you ever find yourself doing this, perhaps you ought to cross-reference with How to Kill Yourself Successfully.

How to Stand on your Head - what the fuck? An entire book on this? Really? I almost want to Ebay it. But I suppose if the Pansies book was 400 pages, I suppose they could spin out standing on your head for a good 70 or so.

How to Make Robots - a bit sinister this one, especially as the series was published in the 70s. I imagine it might have involved cardboard and not a lot else.

How to Watch Wildlife - step one, go somewhere with wildlife. Step two - watch the fucking wildlife. Not hard.

The frankly baffling How to Make Simple Boats (not complex ones, mind you) and How to Make your Own Kinetics (anyone know what a kinetic is?)

My second favourite, in runners' up place is How to Sew Presents from Scraps. "Happy birthday, mate!" "Erm, thanks. Did you sew this from scraps, by any chance?" "Yes, yes I did. How could you tell?" "It looks shit."

And finally, the ultimate one which is a) baffling b) a total waste of time and c) utterly desirable to own:

How to Disguise Yourself

I imagine this book comes free when you've bought all the others. Your friends think you're a total twat for making them shit presents, standing on your head, building robots and too thick to work out how to watch wildlife by yourself... So eventually you have to get How to Disguise Yourself, How to Get New Friends, and for the advanced reader, How Not to be a Cunt. This one is 600 pages long, and involves burning the rest of the series.