Child's play

Let's talk about "The Clapping Song".  You know, the barely comprehensible one that starts with 3, 6, 9, the goose drank wine... a smoking monkey and a tram accident involving the death of several zoo animals?  If you genuinely have no idea what I'm talking about, look at this.

Well, all of that is weird enough, but the second part of the song disturbs me even more:

"My mama told me

If I was goody

That she would buy me

A rubber dolly.

My auntie told her

I kissed a soldier

Now she won't buy me

A rubber dolly."

I have a problem with this.  Lots of problems with this.  Essentially, the girl wants a rubber dolly.

Firstly, what the fuck is a rubber dolly?  I Googled it, and there appears to be no such thing.  Let's assume, for the purpose of the analysis that a rubber dolly is a child's toy, made out of rubber.  OK.  The little girl wants a doll, and has been promised one, if she's "goody".  Whatever the buggery bollocks "goody" is.  Let's assume - again - that basically, if she's well behaved, she'll get a toy.

Excellent.  We have a small child, probably no older than eight or nine, or however old it is these days that little girls grow out of dolls.  She's been promised a doll in reward for good behaviour.  Fine.

But then the song takes a bit of a sinister turn.  "My auntie told her I kissed a soldier, now she won't buy me a rubber dolly."

As far as bad behaviour equally withdrawal of the present goes, this I can understand.  There are two other things that concern me.

Firstly, the snitching auntie.  Why was she watching her niece kiss a soldier?  Little bit voyeristic, surely?  Secondly, and more importantly, if the aunt was watching her kiss the soldier, why didn't she step in and do something about it?  We've clearly got a case of paedophilia here - an eight year-old girl being molested by someone in the armed forces.  Instead of the aunt stepping in and helping her niece out of this awful, awful situation, she merely tells the mother, insinuating it's the little girl's fault all along.

So the abused child grows up thinking that this totally inappropriate sexual situation she found herself in was actually her fault, and she deserves to be punished for it.

It is little wonder that she then chooses to take it out by force-feeding geese alcohol and making monkeys get addicted to nicotine.  This was a story that was never going to end well.

Alternatively, we've got a woman who's old enough to legitimately kiss a soldier, who, for some unknown reason (maybe learning difficulties) still likes dolls.

Unless a rubber dolly is a euphemism for a condom.  But how weird would it be for your mum to say she'll buy you one if you're good... and at the first sign of sexual activity, to withdraw the offer, leading - no doubt - to certain teenage pregnancy.

I'm telling you, that family is fucked up.