Spider woman

I have a spider. A big spider. Not a fat spider, but a big spider. One of those ones with the tiny little body and great big long legs. It's also very mobile, so when I turn my back on it, it finds a different part of my flat to terrorise me from.

I have loitered near it with a glass and a piece of junk mail, window ready open for spider-launching, but its current position makes the angle a bit difficult to approach, without fear of lopping off one of its ridiculously long legs.

My dad bought me a spider catcher - a mini vacuum cleaner that traps the spider for safe release. But this one's too big for that sort of thing. This one might need its own postcode.

We have been edging round each other for the last hour. One of us has to go.

Well, I've enjoyed living here. So long. Worst thing is, it's sitting by the door, so I'm going to have to exit by the window. Still, two floors up... I'll live. Probably.