Bean there, done that

The bathroom smells like dead goat.

I blame the bean burger I had for lunch. My digestive system is more suited to Sainsbury's bacon-loaded ready meals, deep-fried brie and chocolate. Sometimes all on the same plate. The bean burger with carrot chutney, rocket salad and sauteed potatoes was clearly enough to send my lower intestine into shock.

A whole hour of sustained pooing surely can't be normal. The really creepy thing? When I weighed myself post-poo, expecting weight loss on an astronomical and possibly record-breaking scale, I'd put on three pounds since this morning.

Bean burgers. Don't. Just don't.