Eggscruciating

Oh dear. I have a confession to make. Today, dear Plogger, I ate eggs.

I can hear what you're thinking: "I didn't realise you were a vegan!" I'm not. In fact, the only people who will be saying, "Oh no!" currently are my parents, my brother, TheBloke (TM) and my friend Hazel if she has a very, very long memory.

You see, dear Plogger, I am allergic to eggs. Not in an anaphylactic shock, swelly face kind of way, more in a, "Jesus Christ, that's the worst fart I've ever smelled in my life" kind of way.

Sometimes when I'm writing my Plog, I hope no future employers read this. I certainly think I've just blown my chances with the Egg Board.

So, how did I discover this? Well, as I child, I never liked egg white. Egg yolk was yummy, but I never liked the white. As my parents were understandably unwilling to cook eggs for me where I didn't eat half of it, I tended not to eat that many eggs growing up.

Until one day, aged 13, I went round to my friend Hazel's house for dinner. Amongst the many delights laid on the table before me was a boiled egg salad. Yum yum. I wasn't a big fan of the egg white, but didn't want to seem rude, so I ate it all up.

Literally half an hour later, the problems started. Burp. Burp. Burp. "Oh yuck," said Hazel. "Have you just trumped?" ("Farted" was a bit vulgar for the 13 year-old Hazel).

"No," said the 13 year-old Laura, quite truthfully. "I just burped. But my burps taste like death and sting my throat like acid."

Then the farting started. Oh. My. God. Weapon of mass destruction. We were shut in her parents' computer study. Quite a little room, if memory serves, with not much (well, not enough) ventilation. I nearly killed the both of us. Embarrassment meant I phoned Mr Nunn to come and pick me up earlier than I'd originally intended.

We drove home with the windows open. I realised it was egg white that had caused the problem, and have successfully avoided it until this day.*

Which brings us to the present day, seventeen years later, and a Wetherspoon's breakfast bloomer this morning. I was, of course, conscious of the egg white situation, and TheBloke (TM) kindly agreed to eat my egg white. However, I may not have been fastidious enough in removing the albumen. Twenty minutes later in Tesco, there was very nearly a full-scale evacuation.

And back home half an hour later, I had to leave the room I was standing in. And then the same thing again. And again. Until we ran out of rooms. The cat threw me an evil stare.

Still, should I ever find myself the subject of torture and capital punishment and I am granted one last request, I shall go for a plate of egg white. And just before they do away with me, I shall let rip and destroy my captors. It's good to have a superpower.

* Bizarrely, I am absolutely fine with scrambled egg.