Tempting excommunication

Don't get me started on the hubcaps. We don't need to resurrect that particular branch of Laura-frustration this evening.

Speaking of resurrection, today I would like to talk about Jesus Christ who went into the wilderness for forty days and forty nights. Or, depending on who your primary school teacher was, he might have gone into the desert. Desert or wilderness. They're quite different though, aren't they? Cause a wilderness has trees and berries and stuff, but a desert just has sand and roadside bombs. Anyway, I digress.

So, copying Noah's timescales, off trots Jesus to the desertness or the wildernert. And Satan comes to tempt him. Jesus resists temptation, and, to mark this fantastic abstention on the part of our Lord, the idea is that Christians should give something up that they really, really like for the same period of time. Forty days and forty nights. Pancake Day until Easter Egg Day. This makes sense, I suppose.

But let's just stop a minute and have a think about the things Jesus was actually tempted with. On suspicion that my friend Boothie's suggestion that she thought it was wine, biscuits and Creme Eggs may not be spot on, I looked this up. Firstly, naughty Satan tempts him by telling Jesus to turn the stones into bread. Doesn't offer him bread, but suggests that Jesus turns the stones into bread. Like Jesus couldn't have thought of that himself. Not exactly temptation, I wouldn't have thought, more like a suggestion.

Secondly, naughty Satan takes Jesus to the top of a temple and tells him to throw himself off, to let God save him. Again, I don't really see the temptation in this. It's not like Jesus was wandering round the wildernert going, "Oh you know what I really fancy right now? Lobbing myself off a really tall tower. Mmmm, yeah."

And finally naughty Satan takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and says that he can have all the kingdoms if Jesus will pay homage to him. Jesus can be king of the world. Again, not really that tempting. I imagine there's a lot of paperwork involved in being king of the world. Despite which, he was already King of the Jews, and everyone knows they have the best schools anyway.

So what I'm essentially saying is that I am better than Jesus every single day because I have never turned stones into bread, chucked myself off a building or been king of the world - and, unlike Jesus - who we all know was "tempted" by Satan, I've never even wanted to do those things. Also, if these things really tempted Jesus, as the Bible tells us they do, I think perhaps he could have done with some cognitive behavioural therapy. Perhaps he has father issues.