It is a truth universally acknowledged that a working mother is generally shat upon by her employer.
If a father would like to take an afternoon off to see his daughter's sports' day, everyone in the office goes, "Ahh." If a mum wants to do exactly the same thing, some people question her commitment to her job.
I don't have kids. I work fairly regular hours (with the occasional silly blip) and even so have not yet managed to fix the taps in my bathroom for over three months. There just isn't enough time in the day to organise and stay in for a plumber. So how you would manage to run a house, hold down a full-time job and raise infants is a fact that utterly boggles my tiny little brain.
So I have a genius plan. Whenever I move to my next job, I am going to tell people I have children. And then I am going to do exactly the same job that I always do - same hours, same quality... Except people should be really, really impressed at my level of commitment: how does she do it all? Did you know she's got five children?
Also, whenever I fancy a day off, I could just phone in and tell them that Tracey and Stacey (the twins) have got flu. Or there's a parents' evening. Or a sports' day. I don't think it's illegal to invent children, and you very rarely see them in the office, so I don't reckon I'd have to prove I had them. If I did, I'm sure I could borrow a friend's sprogs for the day. They'd probably be glad to offload for a few hours. I could even put their photos on my desk.
I would have to work them into my weekend anecdotes sometimes. "Ooh, this weekend was a nightmare. Little Trish got a penny stuck up her nose," I might say.
"I thought she was called Tracey?" a colleague might ask.
"Mind your own fucking business," I would say, before apologising. "Sorry. I'm just very stressed at the moment. I do have five children, all under the age of three."
And people would be so impressed at the fact I still managed to turn up at 8.30 and not leave until the end of the day. I'd probably get promoted. Genius.