Polls apart

I have always taken a somewhat limited interest in British politics. It makes me feel a little bit guilty admitting it, when so many of my friends keep bang up to date with political affairs. I don't. I'll be totally honest with you, I don't think I could name the Deputy Prime Minister. (In fact I've just looked it up and it turns out there isn't one at the minute. Who knew?)

I struggle to choose between parties, as it seems no matter what one side says, the other says the opposite... but the minute they get into power, it's business as usual. So I kind of stopped noticing.

However, I have been following the news of the recent South African election, not because I'm so smug and superior and au fais with British politics that I can aford to start reading up on another hemisphere's, but because TheBloke (TM) was raised in South Africa and his family still lives there.

Here's a brief precis about Jacob Zuma, the newly elected leader of the ANC, and therefore South Africa. If you're as turned off by politics as I often am, please keep reading anyway - I promise this gets interesting.

In 2004 Zuma was accused of bribery and corruption - basically using political powers to do deals which lined his own pocket. Whilst his - alleged - corruption "partner" was put in prison for 15 years, and the judge described the deals as "mutually beneficial symbiosis" (i.e. "you embezzling scumbag"), Zuma walked free.

So far, so corrupt.

In 2007 various charges of money laundering, racketeering corruption and fraud were brought against him. Because of a courtroom error (or alleged bribery) the charges were declared unlawful and Zuma walked free.

"OK," you might say, "the guy sounds a bit of a wheeler dealer. But come on, UK politics is full of this stuff, of MPs claiming porn as part of their expenses, of claiming hundreds of thousands of pounds for homes they never live in. Power corrupts - this is really nothing new."

Keep reading.

In 2005, Zuma was accused of raping an HIV positive lady. He admitted during the trial that he did not use a condom, but took a shower to "minimise the risk of contracting the infection". Let's just say that again for a second. He took a fucking shower. South Africa has one of the highest rates of HIV infections in the world and a prominent politician is publicly stating that you should just take a shower, guys, you'll probably be fine. He went on to add that he felt it was unlikely that a strong man like himself would be infected by a woman.

Of course then rape crisis charities were inundated by telephone calls from women who'd been raped, had showered to "minimise the risk" and wanted to know if they'd be OK. No, of course they wouldn't, and what's more, they've just rinsed the evidence down the drain.

Never tiring of digging his own grave, Zuma, whilst denying rape, explained that the lady was wearing a short skirt when he met her, which was a sign she wanted sex. To the judge, to the fucking judge, he said, "In Zulu culture you cannot leave a woman if she is ready. To deny her sex, that would have been tantamount to rape.”

He walked free.

Zuma's party political song is "Bring me my machine gun". This is not a joke. That is actually their party's song.

This man is now in charge of South Africa.

At recent elections, the BBC reported (and please remember this is the BBC), "A Cope leader was shot dead but the elections appeared otherwise peaceful." That's it. A one sentence throwaway line in an article about the elections - an opposition candidate was killed. Now, Britain has its problems, but I'd like to think if David Cameron was gunned down at an election, it might get more than a one-liner.

So yes, I do largely ignore UK politics. Because for the most part it is safe to do so. And for that I am grateful.