Food poisoning

Apparently in Spain, in hospital they don't feed you. Instead, if you have family, your family are expected to bring food to you. This is quite sensible in most cases because a) it keeps the hospital costs down b) you're likely to get something you actually want to eat and c) it's the sort of food your system is going to be used to, so you'll probably digest it more easily.

However, I am very glad that I don't live in Spain and/or frequent Spanish hospitals. My mum is a rubbish cook. I would be dead within minutes.

"Here Laura, I've brought you some lovely food. I've made it specially for you," Mrs Nunn would cajole.

"What is it?" I would ask, enfeebled.

"Well, it's spaghetti but instead of a nice rich tomato sauce, I've poured some tuna juice in and sprinkled porridge oats on top. They're good for you."

"Oh. Right, thank you," I would say, not wanting to be ungrateful. "Did you bring any dessert?"

"Yes," Mrs Nunn would say proudly. "I want you to eat all of it as I made it specially for you."

"What is it?" I would ask, perking up a little at the potential for chocolate.

"It's fruit salad. But we ran out of fruit, so I popped in a bit of cucumber and some tinned avocados we had from the Harvest Festival last year. Try it. It's nice."

If nothing else, I suppose, it would be an incentive to get better. How to reduce NHS costs within minutes: get Mrs Nunn to cook for them. I guarantee that within a day, people will either have discharged themselves... or else will have dropped dead.