Star-struck

"That girl in the film looked familiar," said I. "She looked a bit like Gwyneth Paltrow, but it wasn't. The other girl looked like Gwyneth Paltrow too, but she wasn't either."

"Which one?" asked my friend.

"Both of them," I replied, perfectly coherently.

We'd been to see Stardust, which comes highly recommended. Man-flu had abated sufficiently to risk a brief cinematic outing - especially where there's a chance to catch Dexter Fletcher dressed as a pirate.

"Do you mean the girl who played the star?" asked my friend, patiently.

"Well, yes, she was one of them. And that Victoria one."

"Well Victoria was Sienna Miller."

"Oh, OK," I said.

"And the one who played the star was Claire Danes."

"Noooo!" I said. "Nooooo!"

Back in the day, I was a big My So-Called Life fan. Surely I couldn't have watched an entire film with Claire Danes in without even realising? Ploggers, I had. Well, to be fair to myself, she'd changed her hair colour. How am I supposed to see through a disguise like that? Cunning vixen.

"Anyway," I continued, "was the chief pirate Ian Holm?"

My friend laughed. "Really?"

"Well," I said, "was it?"

"That was Robert De Niro."

"Oh," said I. "Who's he? He looks an awful lot like Ian Holm."

The friend laughed a lot.

Jennie, if you're reading this, this is why I'm not a spy. I don't recognise people if they change their hair colour, and apparently also if they're "one of the most famous actors in the world". Not that famous, clearly.