With horrific news breaking from Austria about the man who kept his daughter in a cellar for most of her life, and the children she gave birth to never seeing natural daylight, I thought it was time to bring to light (pardon the pun) the sad tale of TheBloke (TM).
He too is forced to live in a cellar with no natural light. Every Friday night he is tortured by a mad French woman who plays French punk rock very, very loudly. You probably didn't know there was any such thing as French punk rock. Imagine Celine Dion whilst banging your head against the wall. (Actually, try imagining Celine Dion without banging your head against the wall. It's practically impossible.)
He sees no daylight from his cellar, or - "funky basement flat" as the glossy flyer calls it. He has to do his own laundry. And - shockingly - every month he is mugged by his captor, or "landlord", as he calls himself. He calls this "rent payment". I tell you, the Austrians never had it this bad.
He's still holding out for the rape.