Making a pitch

I learned something about myself this week. Something that I suspect deep down I've known for a long while, but have always denied.

I think it's finally time to come out... and just hope my family and friends will still accept me for who I am.

... I'm not a very good singer. In fact, I suspect I may be a very bad singer indeed.

See, it was quite easy to fool myself. I was born with perfect pitch, meaning if you play or sing a note, I can tell you exactly what note you've played. This is a characteristic typically had by Very Musical People. Not in my case. In my case it brings nothing but pain and an inflated sense of my own musicality.

At school I sang in a choir... and I'm a moderately strong choral singer (or was when I last tried); I have the technical knowledge to sight-sing, and my perfect pitch means that harmonies are not too difficult for me. I have a decent alto range. All good so far.

So I decided to audition for a musical this week. I was moderately confident. How hard could it be? I heard the first few people sing. They were very good. I was probably going to be very good too. I couldn't help myself cringing when someone missed a note, even if it was just very slightly. The perfect pitch means it's almost a physical pain when a note's not right. I know that sounds pretentious. Stay with me. I get more self deprecating again in a moment. Anyway, I figured if they were very good and a bit out of tune, I would probably be absolutely brilliant.

I wasn't. I was very, very bad. I failed to pitch the opening note correctly, missed the repeat, sang off-key at least twice (and the added bonus of having perfect pitch means I know when I'm singing out of tune... and yet seem to be able to do little to correct it.). Of course, nerves didn't help, but I'm not blaming that. I'm just not that musical.

My high school violin teacher could never understand how I had (tried and tested) absolute pitch and yet played the violin so horribly out of tune. Partly it was rebellion. But also a genuine lack of musicality. I enjoyed learning the piano - it's hard to make that out of tune, and it if is, it's generally not your fault. But you also don't need to be that musical to play the piano to a competent standard - it's a bit like learning to play a computer game. Press the right buttons in the right order, and the right song comes out. If you aren't very good the first time, repeat the process. Even a really stupid person can learn to play the piano.

My music teachers at high school would always write, "A disappointing result from such a musical girl" or "Despite her perfect pitch, Laura struggles with intonation". When I say they'd always write it, I mean in a school report, not in emails to their friends. Well, maybe they did. I didn't monitor the school's email. Well, I kind of did actually, but perhaps that's a story for another time.

Yesterday saw the apex of my musical struggle. I was genuinely embarrassed for myself. There were only about five girls auditioning. There were four female parts. And after the audition yesterday, I was fully expecting to be banished not only from the production but also the audience. And indeed, I had an email today saying (unsurprisingly) I hadn't been cast in one of the lead roles, but they'd still very much like me in the chorus.

Let's reiterate for a second: five candidates. Four parts. One person in the chorus. One can't help but stop and consider what a chorus of one (me) will sound like.

I think we can assume it'll be somewhere between Very Bad and Please Stop, My Ears Are Bleeding. I'll keep you posted.