TABE

Ladies and gentlemen,

I know you are excited at the prospect of summer. Indeed the weather of last week and the week before has led you to anticipate a marvellous summer, possibly rivaling that of 2003.

This week's chilly dampness has probably only increased your expectations of a glorious June, when it arrives.

But a date for your diary: I can absolutely, 100% guarantee that it will rain on Saturday July 12. And probably Sunday July 13, just to make absolutely sure. Yes Ploggers, I have booked the TABE (Third Annual Barbecue Extravaganza). Invites have been sent. Invites have been accepted.

Pimms may be drunk. Southern Comfort is likely to make an appearance. There will be sausages, but not those crap chewy Sainsbury's "Taste the Difference" ones we got last year. We did taste the difference. The difference was the sausages were shit.

There will be burgers. There will be American mustard and ketchup. There will be mayonnaise. There will very likely be setting off smoke detectors as the incessant rain drives us to my kitchen grill.

It will be brilliant.