Getting to know all about you...

"So, tell me about Laura Nunn," said my new boss' boss' boss at a "getting to know you" session.

"What would you like to know?" I asked.

"Well, imagine we're speed dating. What's the first thing you'd say to me?"

"Back off, sonny, I've got a boyfriend."

His face dropped in panic. Shit, shit, shit, I'm doing this wrong. Again.

"I've got a wife," he quickly added.

"Then you shouldn't be at a speed dating event," I asserted. Bollocks. This wasn't going well.

I changed the subject. Talked about my career history, talked about theatre, book clubs, and then added, "I'm not very sporty. I'd like to say I kept fit, but I really, really don't."

"Oh, but you're really slim, you look like you work out."

"Are you hitting on me again?" Fuck. I'm actually getting worse at this. I backtracked. "Don't be fooled by the slimness. It's a cunning combination of anorexia and bulimia. And the heroin addiction doesn't hurt."

A flicker of worry crossed his face. Not for the first time.

Later we talked about socialising. I mentioned I didn't drink. "What? Not at all?" he asked.

"Not really. I find that alcohol gives me terrible hangovers, and I just find heroin a better lifestyle choice for me."

In summary, in a thirty minute conversation I managed to convince the head of department that I have a drug problem, two eating disorders and am likely to accuse him of sexual harrassment any minute.

I have a feeling the new job is going to go very well indeed.