Someone had the stupid idea today to go to Argos. Argos. Two weeks before Christmas. Only an insane person would do this. Stupid, stupid, stupid person. Unfortunately that stupid person was me.
It wasn't even as if I was buying anything seasonal. Whilst standing next to people purchasing naff Christmas trees, games consoles, dolls and Elizabeth Duke jewellery, I patiently queued for (wait for the hedonism) a new clothes horse.
This is a lie, obviously. Not the clothes horse. That part is true. A new clothes horse is currently standing proudly in the living room, laden with clothes. Why would I lie about that? What a pathologically boring thing to lie about. You should be ashamed of yourselves for even suspecting it.
The bit that was a lie was when I said I queued "patiently". I have never knowingly done anything patiently in my life. I used the whizzy machines to pay for the clothes horse. Then I got quite overexcited when they called out the order number just a few minutes later. And even more so another five minutes or so later when I could see the clothes horse on the rack, awaiting its imminent dispatch. And then it just sat there. For ages. And ages. I started tapping my foot. I started not moving out of the way when people tried to get past. I gripped my receipt so hard that I think I made a bit of a hole in it. Then TheBloke (TM) started singing Jingle Bells and I'm afraid that's where I realised the entire trip was a bit of a mistake.
TheBloke (TM) loves Argos. Apparently they have nothing like it in South Africa, and he thinks it's amazing that they manage to have so much stuff in one little shop. He has bought everything he owns from Argos. On the other hand, I think it's amazing that everything I've ever bought from Argos has fallen to pieces or broken almost directly afterwards. I have a lot of venom towards Argos. But today was mostly my own fault.
I'm going away to think about what I've done.
1 comment:
There's an Irish comedian (can't remember who) who had a great quote that all his Irish mates were astounded by Argos since, again, they have nothing like it over there. He described it as 'like a bookies, but for stuff... and you always win!'
Wilkos is an even worse idea in the run up to Christmas, since it's full of those annoying singing Santas, which are like idiot magnets. Everywhere you go there are creepy Santa dolls on shelves singing 'Jingle Bells', with crowds of idiots standing around them, laughing and clapping with idiotic glee.
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