Cut off

A few years back I used to work in marketing.  It was one of my first ever jobs, and, as my degree was totally unrelated to my chosen career path, I had a lot to learn.

Though let's be honest (at the risk of offending my many marketing friends), marketing isn't that difficult.  You buy more advertising space, you sell more products.  You send more direct mails (letters to you and me), then you sell more products.  You send round more viral emails, you sell more products.  You cut back on your advertising spending, you sell fewer products.  You get the picture.  It's not rocket science.  What I did find interesting though is the anticipated response rates for these various media.

Now, I'm going back four or five years (and relying on memory) so please don't quote these figures on any sort of university paper, because you'll probably get lambasted, but if I recall correctly, these were the approximate expected response rates for a moderately successful advertising campaign:

A direct mail to a targeted audience (i.e. a letter through the post advertising cheap car insurance for under 25s, sent only to customers who are under 25 and you know have a car): 1% response rate
An unsolicited email (i.e. spam): 0.001%
A targeted email (i.e. an email about property for sale in Coventry to a list of people in Coventry looking for property): 2%
A non-targeted leaflet through the door (i.e. pizza menu, regardless of knowledge about whether or not the inhabitants are allergic to pizzas): 0.5%

"All very interesting, Laura," you might lie.  "But how are you going to make a comedic situation from this?  I feel I have learned something today, and that is not why I visit your Plog.  Make it funny and make it funny quickly."

Well.  Today I noticed a flyer had been pushed through our door.  "Aha!" I thought.  I often think, "Aha," but I don't say it as often as I should.  I continued my thinking.  "I wonder if I shall fall into the 0.5% of respondents who are likely to reply to the leaflet."

I picked up the flyer:

"Professional circumcision service... leading the way in safe circumcision practice.  Bookings being taken for this SUMMER!"

I also learned that procedures are carried out by practicing (sic) NHS surgeons, and are carried out under local anaesthetic.  I also learned that as a bonus, apparently, full sterility and safety are adhered to.

Now, I'm no bloke (and I am a proud grammar Nazi), but would you want to entrust the slicing of your organ to someone who doesn't know the difference between "practising" and "practicing" (which isn't even a word)?

That aside, the mind boggles at the sort of response rate they are likely to get from this advertising medium.  What kind of person impulse buys a circumcision?

"Darling, what do you fancy for dinner tonight?"

"I can't be bothered to cook, sweetie.  Shall we order a takeaway?"

"Good idea, darling.  Where are those takeaway flyers?  Ah.  Here we go. Chinese, Indian, circumcision or pizza?  Hang on a moment.  Circumcision? Perhaps I should...  Pass the phone darling."

"Sweetie, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not, darling?"

"You're a girl."

Still, solves that tricky issue of what to get TheBloke (TM) as a present. 

Surprise!