Hurrah! The annual Laura-faints-on-Tube event is over. For those of you who missed the spectacle, I'm sure the kindly staff at St Paul's tube station might be persuaded to share their CCTV footage with you, though they normally save this for their Christmas party.
I don't faint often. Well, in fact, I faint annually. Not to the day or anything, but it's always in the summer, usually on the tube, and always in the morning. Last year was a bit disappointing: I missed my 2006 faint because I had a job that mostly involved working from home, so rarely took the tube at rush hour. I say "missed it", but if I'm honest, I didn't miss it that much.
So, for non-fainters, this is what happens...
8.27 Get on tube. It is hot. It is crowded. It is like this every day. This is not nice, but I'm used to it. It's fine.
8.31 Liverpool Street. I am enjoying my book, even though I am standing up and my face is pressed into some bloke's armpit. Sometimes I like this, sometimes I don't. If the tube is particularly empty, sometimes the bloke asks me to move away. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't.
8.33 Bank. Suddenly it feels like a very bad idea to be reading on the tube. I curse myself for the stupid idea... then remember I do that every morning, as do hundreds of thousands of people with their Metros, and it never normally makes anyone feel weird.
The next three minutes pass Very Very Slowly.
8.33.02 Crikey, it's hot isn't it? I'll just put my bag and my book down.
8.33.04 Oh dear, I feel really, really hot, and a little bit on the sick side. Oh well, I'm only two stops from Chancery Lane.
8.33.08 Right, think about something else. Penguins maybe. Oh no, that's a type of chocolate. Not penguins. Fish. No, not fried fish. Urgh.
8.34.00 OK, probably ought to get off at the next station.
8.34.01 Christ, does it normally take this long to get to St Paul's from Bank?
The next 92 seconds are spent convincing myself that I can carry on standing. This usually works pretty much until the doors open at St Paul's, where I fling myself out of the carriage, pushing past as many old / disabled / children as possible (but not old, disabled children. That would be wrong), and fling myself onto the seats on the platform, just as my hearing and sight disappear and everything goes black.
Sometimes people ask if I'm OK. Usually they don't. This time wasn't too bad, because I got to sit down just as I was blacking out, so I could pretend I was looking for something in my bag. One memorable time, when I didn't make it to the chairs, people stepped over me. One person tutted.
After a few minutes, the world seems less fuzzy, and I select a not-too-packed tube and continue one more stop to work.
And then I come and tell you about it in mind-blowing detail. Still, not as bad as that time when I was waitressing and showed an entire restaurant of people (and the barman I fancied) my knickers.
Sorry, in case that wasn't clear, I did actually faint whilst waitressing. I didn't just show them all my knickers. Despite what the CCTV footage appears to show.
By the way - loving your suggestions for the "Between my legs" game (see last post). Please keep adding them!
1 comment:
good description of fainting...i get like that...
it's similar to when you're drunk (rather, when 'one' is drunk) and you KNOW you're going to vom...and you try to convince yourself you wont because you haven't had much top drink and that pizza wasn't THAT greasy and you should think about nice things like dogs. or whatever. and somehow, each time , your mind drags you into thinking about the foulest thing you can think of...and you go sweaty and that's it. the race. between your impending gag and reaching somewhere to deposit. not fun. never happened on a tube but it did in 86 paul's parents house. nasty. the kitchen sink didn't see it coming.
BJ
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