Tourist trap

On Sunday I was a Very Productive Person (VPP).

In a vain attempt to find out what exactly is causing my water allergy, I spent a good hour scrubbing the bathroom ceiling for traces of mould, de-limescaling the shower and shaving the cat.

Well, I did the first two anyway. The cat is next on the hit-list. Insert your pussy-shaving joke here.

I have also decided to try and take greater advantage of my local amenities. Bethnal Green doesn't have that many famous places, and yet I've managed to visit practically none of them.

Here is Laura's visitors' guide to Bethnal Green:

- The Museum of Childhood - I have actually been there (and gave a tourist directions to it the other day, which made me feel very smug indeed). It's mostly toys behind glass cases, and a lovely display at the end about death in childhood. Take your kids. One particularly ugly doll looked like my headmistress from my high school.

- York Hall - famous for boxing and for hosting Bethnal Green's council-run"London Spa". I haven't been.

- Backyard / Fymfyg comedy club. I've been here. A lot. Don't go asoften as I used to, but still my favourite comedy club in London.

- Victoria Park - London's biggest park, I believe. I've been to most of it, but it apparently has a deer park and a boating lake that I've never yet found. I'm not sure why the average Londoner would want either deer or boats, but they're there for the taking, should you wish. And if you can find them.

- E. Pellicci cafe - famous Italian cafe, open since the war years. Italian owner was interned during the war. Famous for excellent greasy spoon breakfasts, and for a mixture of gangsters, Shoreditch media wannabees and East Enders. I've tried to go twice and it's always been so busy I've given up waiting. We tried to go on Saturday but it was a bit full of people trying too hard to be proper East End - standing outside,smoking and using rhyming slang. Clearly these are not proper East Enders.East Enders only speak Bengali these days.

- Beigel shop on Brick Lane. The spelling is correct - I assume it's a Yiddish thang. Apparently selling the best beigels in London, 24 hours a day. Never been. I have no idea what differentiates a bagel from a beigel. Dyslexia, maybe?

- Pie and mash shops. Never been. I did consider it until I found out that East Enders don't go for gravy with their pie and mash, but something called "liquor". Liquor, for the mercifully uninitiated, is made out of eel juice. You couldn't make this shit up.

Have I convinced you? Do you want to live here? Do you want to buy my flat? It's now 90% less mouldy!