Neighbourhood Watch

Set the scene. You have a really noisy neighbour. Not just a bit chatty, but loud, cockney and really opinionated. Also, by the sounds of things, drunk. I have one. He lives in the flat underneath mine, and clearly likes the sound of his own voice. His favourite hobby is ranting over the phone; here are a few of my favourites:

• Why I don't like students
• Why this country's gone to the dogs
• Why haven't we been to the dogs for a while?

Thing is, whilst amusing for the first seven or eight minutes of the rant, my attention span wanders after a while (as he's on the phone I only ever hear one side), and I'm keen to block him out. Except he's just too loud. So, here's a top tip for all those of you with noisy neighbours. It's never failed yet.

Step 1: Await a slight pause in the rant. It doesn't have to be a big pause... just long enough for him to draw his breath.

Step 2: Begin making slightly sexual noises, quite loudly. Open the window if this will help convey the sound.

Step 3: The noise of his rant should have died down a little by now as noisy neighbour gains interest. He may even have hung up the phone. Don't stop now! Increase the volume of your sexual noises until it sounds like you're having a grand old time. Optional bouncing up and down on the bed if you have squeaky floorboards can add a nice touch. If you know his name, why not shout it a couple of times?

Step 4: After ten minutes or so, stop. There should be silence from downstairs. With a bit of luck, he'll have got himself off by now and fallen asleep.

Step 5: Try and find a way to stop the noise of his snoring from carrying. Shut the windows.

Sadly this doesn't seem to work on the parrot down the hallway. If anyone knows of a reliable supplier of bird flu, please do let me know.