Ah, Southend, you didn't let me down. With your sordid Essex-sex-laden ways, you have delighted me yet again.
I think I'm the only person in the world who's accidentally entered into a lesbian relationship with a wrong number.
I was just drifting off to sleep on Monday night, when my mobile rang. The caller display said "ID Withheld". This is sometimes what it says when someone is calling you from abroad, and as I've got a few friends overseas at the moment (and I've always said, "call me anytime") I thought I ought to answer.
The caller hung up or got cut off. Fine.
Couple of minutes later I get a text message (all formatting belongs to the original):
"Hiya, is this craigs phone?? Please txt bk, its natalie, and im horny! x x"
Feeling this could go on for a while and I needed to get to sleep, I texted back, "Sorry, wrong no. Laura here."
A reply, "Oh, sorry hun. Thought I had the wrong num when a girl answerd! Im still horny though lol. Who r u?? x x"
I ignored the text. A few minutes later my phone rang. I really needed to get to sleep so I dropped the call.
The next morning I felt bad (yes, only I could feel guilty about a wrong number). Natalie had been friendly, so I sent her a quick text, "Sorry for dropping your call last night - needed to get to sleep. Hope you got hold of Craig!"
Natalie: "No I didn't hun. Oh well, he is prob a pig anyway. Lol! Who are you?"
Me: "Who am I? Big question. I'm 26 and live in London. I do stand-up comedy in my spare time."
Natalie: "Lol! Oh ok! Well I'm Natalie 21! Do you have a fella? Do you have a pic phone? x"
At this point I cut it short and ran my training course. As I got home at 7 last night, my mobile rang... Natalie again. I didn't reach it in time, so she sent me another text.
"Do you have a pic phone? Here's a pic of me." And she'd sent me a fairly normal picture of her.
Well by this point I felt we were friends and it would be rude not to reply. So I sent her a nice smiley photo of me. She replied straight away.
"Did you get my pic? You're pretty." Uh oh.
I thought, "Let's bring this back to the blokes." I replied, "Thanks for the pic. Craig will be sorry he's missing out."
The reply? "Craig missed out but maybe you don't have to..."
This sort of thing doesn't happen to normal people, does it? Like that time I was in Cairns and the pigeon flew into my head. It's not supposed to happen. And yet always does to me.
I want to implement Erica's patented Scowl And Walk Off (SAWO), but I'm not sure how to scowl via text.
5 comments:
As an impartial observer I would say you are leading poor Natalie on - I can see zis ending in therapy for ze both of you
Sigmund F
How do you know she was from Essex? Don't tarnish the name of Essex-ians just cos YOU were there when you had these texts...!
Maybe she's from Yorkshire or maybe she lives next door to you! I'd be afraid if I was you :o)
I am very afraid actually... turns out she lives in Leicester.
The only Essex connection is that every time I'm in Southend I have a dodgy by-proxy sexual experience.
Maybe you could get her to send you Craig's number and picture, and start a very bizarre love triangle!
On a seperate note relating to two of you previous entries, have you seen the male tennis player at Wimbldon called... now get this: Mardy Fish!! now that works on so many levels.
Why don't you meet up and get it on with her and send me the photos/video (preferable) via your phone?!...or you could use my phone...actually it's a bit complicated and advanced so I'd best operate it...you only need one hand too...
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