I think I'm secreting an important hormone, which is undoubtedly a miraculous breakthrough that everyone will want to own. I have discovered something that always makes people want to have sex. Unfortunately not with me. Usually in the room next door. Admittedly this might pose a problem for the people in the marketing department.
In London on Saturday, the weather was stunning. I was waiting for my dad to arrive for his weekend of chores (to which personally I think they should rename Fathers' Day), and so I was sat outside on the grass by my flat. It's not a garden. Just grass. I was reading 1984 which Nice Kate bought for me. It is very good.
So, I was engrossed in my novel, and suddenly I became aware of a car pulling up beside me. This was fair enough: I was sat next to the car park. I kept reading and enjoying the June sunshine. Slowly I became aware that the people in the car had started having very noisy sex. With the windows down. I could hear (and see) pretty much everything. I didn't really want to move and draw attention to myself, and also, I had been there first. They'd chosen to park next to me before the commencement of the copulation.
They did it twice. Noisily. His name was "Sachin" or possibly "SachinSachinSachin", but that's quite a silly name. Her name was "You like it, don't you?", which seemed unusual. Possibly Russian.
I did my first Edinburgh gig last night and it was super. Really nice crowd (about 120, which in London is practically unheard of for an open-mic night). Made a bit of a tit of myself, as I know practically nothing about the Scottish comedy scene, so I spent a little while patronising a fellow act with solid advice... who turned out to be a Scottish TV comedy star up here, just trying out new material for his 9th Edinburgh show. Ho hum.
Still, the gig was really good, my lovely Edinburgh colleagues got to see me do a decent set, and Nice Kate and I had a pyjama party, ate nachos and talked about threesomes.
This is the way life should be.
3 comments:
I have recently found out that you can make "noisy sex people" do stuff for you (so you CAN LET YOUR DAD OFF CHORES ON FATHERS' DAY).
My flatmate's friend had a very noisy incident in the room next to mine the other night, causing me to try sleeping downstairs in the cold lounge on a sofa (after slamming lots of doors).
Eventually at 5am I tried going back up to bed, having not slept and very grumpy as I couldn't even change the channel on Sky and had watched golf for a few hours.
Anyway, i happened to pass him and noisy girl on the stairs, gave them a very effective glare (I'm getting better at this - promise) and he proceeded to install the RAM etc on the computer that had been sat there waiting to be done (by my other flatties) for the last few weeks...
Mate, good advice, but two questions:
1. I've never thought of you as particularly technically incompetent... why couldn't you change the channel on Sky?
2. Let's assume the remote was elsewhere. Why didn't you turn the set off / put on a DVD / kill yourself rather than watching golf?
;o)
Not sure shagging car people / shagging hotel people would be particularly willing to do chores for me... No harm in asking next time.
I saw a comic at the Stand in Edinburgh on Monday do a bit on shagging neighbours (clearly he's been reading my blog...). He said the best tactic is to shout encouragement as if you can see them. As in, "Oh yeah, bring your knees up. That's a great view!".
So I might try that next time.
I couldn't change the channel as there are now 4 remotes to our audio-visual experience and at 3 am they're amazingly frustrating to figure out, so having thrown them all at the tv i was reluctant to move out of my curled up ball as that was the only thing keeping me warm - ditto for turning tv off. Killing self...too poetic for me...one life ending as another is possibly being created ;op
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