Return of the Bum Deal

I took my mobile out of my bag to turn it off before I went into the theatre. As I held it, it started to ring. More out of surprise than desire to have a conversation, I answered it. It was Ned from http://laurasplog.blogspot.com/2006/07/bum-deal.html fame. This surprised me a bit, as the last time I saw him, I'd accused his girlfriend of taking it up the arse. Still, if he wasn't going to bear grudges, I certainly wasn't. To set the scene a bit, Ned was someone I knew when I was first starting out in comedy. Whilst I'm still treading the long road, he gave up comedy, mostly owing to popular demand.

I explained to Ned that I couldn't talk just then as it was literally a couple of minutes until curtain up, but I said I'd call him at the weekend. He said not to worry and that he'd email me. He asked about gigs I had lined up. I told him that I've started a new job, so don't really have any in the pipeline (is that a bad choice of word given the circumstances?) at the moment.

Fine. The next day I am lucky enough to get the following email from Ned. (Spelling and grammar belongs to the original.)

Hi Laura

No need to call me at the weekend to catch up as you said you would just now on the phone. I would say that I'm not a two faced person and therefore I have no interest in catching up with you or anything of that nature.

The reason I called is because I'm a little disappointed with your blog comments about my stupid Kiwi girlfriend. Not greatly disappointed becasue it doesn't surprise me, unfortunately.

I only asked about gigs as I think my girlfriend, the stupid Kiwi, might want to talk to you face to face about your comments.

Pathetic.

Ned

My reply:

Hi Ned

Just a couple of questions for you:

a) Do you really think it's healthy to refer to your own girlfriend as "the stupid Kiwi"? I appreciate your integrity in maintaining accuracy, but sometimes kindness towards other people's failings is the best way to make relationships last. If you keep expressing your self-confessed "lack of surprise" towards her lower-end IQ, I'm sure her self-esteem will suffer.

b) I don't really like to bring this up - given her aforementioned learning difficulties - but did it really take her four months to read all the way to the end of the Plog entry, written in July? I suppose there were some big words there. Well, one. "Respectability". Six syllables. And possibly something of a foreign notion.

Finally, thanks for asking about the gigs. To be honest though, I'd really rather not catch up with you at one of my gigs. I've seen what happens to an audience whenever you get within striking distance of a microphone, and it's not a pretty sight. It's not your fault. It's just that people don't like you very much.

Sorry to write such a negative email, but console yourself with this: at least you're getting plenty of backdoor action.

Laura

OK, OK, I didn't write that at all. I wrote a relatively civilised email back, apologising if he'd been offended, but trying to illustrate how this Plog is a piece of writing - all identities are altered, and whilst characters are of course based on people I really know, it's mostly a tangled combination of reality and fiction. Still, I don't think I'll be invited to their wedding. Which is probably a good thing, because I think she's still married to someone else.