Flyering low

You've never really experienced London life until you've handed out flyers in the centre of Leicester Square. I've got an important gig tonight and was feeling a bit rusty, so I lined up a spot at the Bath House, a nice gig on Dean Street, to try out some new material. To get an audience, the acts have to do a bit of flyering beforehand for an hour or so. Usually I meet at least one nutter per shift. It's a bit of an occupational hazard. You're stood stock still in the centre of a very touristy place, holding a giant sign saying "Comedy Tonight" - you're a pretty easy target for conversation.

Last night I'd not been in position for more than ten seconds - I hadn't even managed to get my flyers from my bag. Up comes Nutter No. 1:

NN1: Can I ask your advice about something?

Me: That depends.

NN1: Do you think this shirt's a bit gay? I was just in Burger King, and a guy pinched my arse, and I think it's this shirt. What do you think?

(This guy was so ugly that if I were him, I'd have been grateful for the human contact - regardless of gender.)

Me: I think it's probably just that sort of area. The shirt's fine.

NN1: You think the shirt's OK?

Me: It's fine.

(I get the flyers out of my bag, firstly so I can avoid eye-contact, and secondly so I can be sure he doesn't have an accomplice pickpocketing me.)

NN1: Can I ask your advice about something else? I've just started seeing a new girlfriend, and she's insisting I burn all my letters and photos from previous relationships. Do you think that's a bit obsessive?

Me: Yes.

(As if he had a previous relationship with anyone other than an old sock.)

NN1: But I really love her.

Me: Is she imaginary? Because I can't imagine any real person actually wanting to spend more than seven seconds in your company without serious persuasion of the rohypnol kind. Now, why don't you pop home for a wank, as that's the only physical contact you're likely to get whilst you remain a) this ugly and b) this weird?

One day I'm actually going to say something like that, and then maybe hit them with my giant sign. Running off might be a problem though. Those signs are pretty heavy.

Wish me luck for my gig tonight!