London's burning (again)

I stepped out of the shower. My washing machine had just finished drying some towels. I am brilliant at multi-tasking.

Wandering through to my lovely new kitchen, I could suddenly smell smoke. "Oh bollocks," thought I, for I am a foul-mouthed wench, even in my thoughts. "Bollocks," I thought, "my washing machine must have shorted out." I sniffed it. It smelled like smoke.

Then I wandered into the hallway and realised that the hallway smelled even more like smoke. Freshly-tumbled towel wrapped around me, I opened the door to my hallway, and realised there was a lot of fucking smoke. That's not me swearing; that's a technical term that the Fire Brigade use. "A lot of fucking smoke" is two stages before, "fuck me, everything's fucked". I pulled on clothes more quickly than after a PE lesson when the girl standing next to you is saying, "I really like your bra..."

I left my flat, taking with me my keys and my mobile. The smoke up the stairwell was almost overpowering. I had to put my jumper over my face so I didn't cough.

Once outside, I called the Fire Brigade. The smoke was coming from a downstairs flat. I shouted to the disabled guy who lived there, "Are you OK?"

"Yes, I set my kitchen on fire," he replied, accurately.

"Well, come out - it's really smoky." He didn't want to.

The Fire Brigade arrived. They knocked on his door. He didn't want to come out. Eventually he did. The Fire Bridgade spent a few minutes in his flat and then, once all was OK, they came out to see me.

"Did you call us?"

"Yes," said I.

"Well, apparently you're irresponsible."

"Oh. I'm sorry for calling you out for no reason, but there really was a lot of smoke, and I thought, 'Crikey - I'd better call someone.'."

"No," said the fireman. "We think you did the right thing. Your neighbour thinks you're irresponsible." He continued, "I don't think anyone who uses the word 'crikey' can be irresponsible. Besides which, he's just told us that we're stupid."

"Oh," said I. "Would you rather be stupid or irresponsible? I think I've got the better deal, because you can choose to be responsible, but you're stuck being stupid."

The fireman said, "Ah, but if you're stupid, you can learn."

I (quite rightly) retorted, "Not if you're stupid."

At which point I thought I may actually genuinely be wasting their time, so I left them to it. Though I did hear the chief fireman say to his colleague, "That disabled bloke's an unpleasant twat." I would definitely rather be either irresponsible or stupid than an unpleasant twat.

This is the second time in about ten months that I've had to call the Fire Brigade. Anyone who suggests it's because I like men with big hoses is... well, that's a separate issue.