Three years ago I lived in a place called Sunlight Square with my friend Erica. It was a lovely flat, but its most distinguishing feature was that it got practically no sunlight at all, and was in fact rather dark after about ten every morning. That's not really important.
Anyway, one evening I came home from work, expecting Erica to be in the flat. She wasn't, but bizarrely the PC was still on, the lights were on and - perplexingly - the window was open. I didn't think much of it, and settled down to check my emails.
Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Julie. Julie was the biggest house spider I have ever seen. Now I'm not that scared of spiders (though am terrified of moths), but I'll admit I don't really like the big ones. Anything up to an inch or so in diameter I'm OK with. Beyond that it's a struggle.
Julie was the reason for Erica's quick flat exit, I quickly surmised.
Erica and I soon settled into a pattern: Julie had the the living room - Erica and I stayed in our bedrooms. This seemed a tad unfair as Julie wasn't actually paying any rent, and the Sky TV was in the living room. Still, she had squatters' rights and we didn't want to argue with her.
Sometimes she'd go missing, and we'd think we were free of her reign. And then, always when Erica was out, I'd do some hoovering or wash the floor, and suddenly Julie would be there, literally chasing me around the living room.
Until one day I saw her run under a lamp whilst I was vacuuming. Erica was out at a self-defence class, but I watched the lamp carefully, trying to pluck up courage to lift it and capture and release Julie. I won't kill things. Not even mosquitoes. I am a wuss.
Soon Erica returned, pumped full of adrenalin from her class. We were brave, we were warriors. Besides which, Erica now knew how to defend herself... She tipped the lamp up... and promptly accidentally squashed Julie. I swear she made a crunching noise.
This morning, just before I left the flat to go to work, Julie's slightly smaller sister was sitting on my bedroom curtains. Had she been on a wooden floor or hard surface I might have been brave enough to go for the old "glass and a piece of card" routine, but this was impractical on a curtain surface. I left the door open, the window open and didn't draw the curtains.
When I got home this evening, Julie's sister was gone from her curtain spot. It will be a lovely surprise to find out where she is hiding. Perhaps under my duvet or on top of my milk in the fridge.
I have a nasty suspicion that when I get back from a weekend away, she may have filled the flat with squatting arachnids, and I'll have to get an eviciton order from the Council.
It is hard being me.
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